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Like the country song says, we all have our moments.
For me, they’re broken into two categories: good mom moments and bad mom moments. After the good ones, it’s like, ‘Hey, I’m not too bad at this mom thing.” But after the bad moments, well, you think someone should call someone and say, ‘You let this woman parent?’
You know this is going somewhere, so here goes. My oldest son came home from school a few weeks ago with news that it was band day. The band teacher talked to the fifth-graders about picking an instrument. It’s the year to decide and we’d discussed this over the summer. Trumpet was always No. 1, then saxophone, drums, maybe trombone. They were all on the list, and we were just waiting to narrow them down. He comes home this day and says he has.
“I’ve narrowed it to the trombone,” he says, proud of himself. “Or the flute.”
Before I get to my bad mom moment, come on now. How many of you just spit up your coffee or soda and mouthed, “THE FLUTE?” Be honest.
Back to my moment … My mind stalled and my mouth took over. All moms have these moments, I just know it. I said things I immediately wanted to take back. I was, for the record, a horrible, horrible mother.
“You can’t play the flute,” I declared, sounding as if he had just asked if he could give his little brother a glass of Clorox to drink. “No way can you play the flute.”
And then, after he asked me why with a bewildered look, I really capped off the bad moment. It’s even hard to write …
“Oh you just can’t honey. People will make fun of you.”
There, I wrote it. And I still can’t believe I said it. Here I was breaking every rule in every book I’ve read on how to let your children become independent thinkers, not to worry about peer pressure, and to be their own person.
“People will laugh at you.” I just couldn’t stop myself. The horrible mothering just kept pouring out of me.
All I could see was Steven D, a boy in my fifth grade class who played the flute and all the kids laughed at him. I distinctly remember him crying one day, and me feeling sad for him.
If my son were in high school, and had already gone through the sometimes cruel years of adolescence, I’d have no problem. Heck, I’d borrow my girlfriend’s old flute and let him have at it. I like flute players. I like the flute. But, as a fifth grader, my son doesn’t know yet how cruel kids can be. And I just couldn’t let people laugh at who would be my little flute player.
My son said he wouldn’t mind if people made fun of him if it’s the instrument he really enjoyed playing (yeah that makes me proud) but he wouldn’t play it if I didn’t want him to (oh, that makes me feel horrible).
For my son, wanting to play the flute was simple. The teacher made it look cool.
For me, not wanting him to play the flute was just as simple. I couldn't bare the thought of him being laughed at or being embarrassed.
But here’s the question, do we cushion our kids so much that they’ll never learn what it feels like to really fall? By shielding our kids from disappointment or embarrassment, are we only setting them up to believe life is a little too easy?
That’s my bad mom moment. Not the first, not the last. Definitely one I learned from.
(By the way, he’s playing the trumpet now. )
In another age, your son could have been a troubadour. He sounds like a romantic. But, like you, in today's era, I see male flute players ending up with dusty trenchcoats playing for cash in subway tunnels. I think you were just verbalizing the Mom Mind Machine -- that need to divine all our wisdom to our children. I would have likely gone with the verbal route, too. I remember fifth-grade. It's not easy, no matter what beat your marching to.Hey, it could have been the drums. Seems like a cool thing to play until they have to practice 100 minutes a week...Oh, have I been there! My terrible mom moment is usually about my daughter's clothes, but it's the same concept. You want to protect them from being teased, but give them independence. As for the flute, Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull is a famous masculine flautist, as is Herbie Mann. And many famous sax players were flautists, too (ie: David Sanborn and Steve Cole.) If your son has some great examples, he might be able to weather the taunts that may come his way. Good luck! Thanks for reminding me I'm not the only mom with some "wish-I-could-take-back" moments! I like your writing style, too.My son (also a 5th grader) is a big football player was thinking about the flute. He seemed to think it would be easy. I played the flute for 8 years and had to remind him that every instrument could be challenging. Hi Mitchell's mom....it's Brycen's mom!Laura this is priceless! I relate to all those questions even though my kiddo is only 3. Quinn wanted to wear his Batman PJ shirt to school today, but it's a kinda grungy hand-me-down and it had toothpaste dribble on it. (And it's clearly a PJ shirt.) I tried to get him excited to wear a another shirt because it did occur to me that some kiddo would say something or even make fun of him. But he had none of it. So he wore the grungy PJ shirt. I took the other shirt to put in his cubby just in case. I'm probably being ridiculous but I think kids can be kinda mean. (He used to call his new bunk beds "bunka bunka buh buh bum beds" until a cousin informed him curtly that they're called BUNK beds. I was so crushed to hear him struggle to ennuciatate b-u-n-k-k beds.) I figure it's our job to protect them as long as we can. Even with some overprotection here and there, the world will descend on them soon and often enough.Went through the IDENTICAL thing with my son, but we let him play it. We did NOT purchase the flute however, because we had a suspicion he would change his mind. He switched to sax the next year.Your story sure made me chuckle. My son, age 4 has 2 sisters, ages 10 & 11. It is so funny to see him try an emulate his sisters and I am constantly saying to him to stop acting like a girl. His sister plays the flute (so did I), and I am sure he'll want to also. I will probably try to talk him out of it. To b2mom: My daughters have absolutely no fashion sense whatever and could care less. I keep thinking that peer pressure might start to kick in and they'll begin listening to dear old mom about what colors match and waht colors don't, but so far, no such luck. You should have seen the outfit my 10yr old dd wore to school Thursday..it was something else. But that's ok. Anyhow, I can totally relate on the shirt thing.
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