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Lindsay Metcalf
on May 22 2013 - 06:00 AM
When that tornado siren sounds, I'm in the basement
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mara williams
on May 21 2013 - 06:00 AM
Summer break has this mom on a house upkeep war path.
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First let me say, you learn a lot. From the judge. From the lawyers. From the person you once were married to.
You learn that there’s a reason you’re in the court in the first place. Because, it seems, you and your former partner can’t get along about anything. (You say the sky is blue. Nope, I say it’s green. … Today is Friday? Nope, I think it’s Thursday. You want private school? Ugh, I don‘t think so.. And on it goes.)
You learn that, really, you lose your identity. Instead of Mrs. So and so, you are now forever known as Petitioner or Respondent. (Yep, that’s me, the Respondent.) And, you’re only known to people in District Court as a Case Number. Don’t forget it, or always have it written down somewhere. If you don’t, be prepared to be put on hold for many minutes that can seem like hours.
You also learn that you no longer get to see your child 24 hours a day, seven days a week, until he’s at least 18. Every other weekend, he’ll be gone. Several weeks in the summer too. Yeah, they tell you all that. You read it the “Parenting Plan” and are constantly reminded every other Friday.
But did the judge, or the guardian ad litem, or any lawyer ever detail what holidays would be like? That every other Thanksgiving, there’d be one less plate at the table, one less person (a very crucial person) in the holiday photo? Or that the wishbone breaking would have to wait? What about the traditional family game night? The boys team loses a member and there’s no one for mom to be over competitive with during Wii bowling.
Nope, nobody ever really covered the holidays. And the emotions of it all. Especially not Christmas.
I know most of you moms on this site has been fortunate enough to not go through Divorce Court. One solid nuclear family. With your kids all the time, every weekend, every Easter and Thanksgiving.
Some of my friends have offered up sympathy. “I can’t imagine not seeing my son every day … every holiday.”
And you know, I thought it would get easier. That somehow I’d wake up one day as the holidays approached and just figure, well, this is how it is, it’s OK. Oldest won’t be here for the family festivities, but he’ll have fun in St. Louis. We’ll just enjoy the time he’s with us, not worry about when he isn’t. All is good. … Definitely not happening yet. I keep waiting.
Instead, we look at the calendar and plan our family time. Is this the year oldest is with his dad the week before Christmas or do we get him for Christmas Eve? And when we drive Christmas morning, are we dropping him off or picking him up? Is this our year to sit at the Huddle House in southwest Missouri waiting for a cheeseburger while others are sitting with family over a traditional dinner?
We’ve learned to do hoopla when oldest is with us. Family game night happens before (or after) he goes to his dad’s. The big dinner waits or comes early. And every other year, Santa puts us last on his list because we won’t be tearing through his gifts until later on Christmas day. So it’s OK if he’s a little late coming to our house.
This year is posing a few extra problems though. Not only is it tougher, because youngest doesn’t quite understand why his brother’s not here every morning to help turn the Santa calendar, but the logistics are a bit insane. Youngest will be ready to open gifts first thing Christmas morning. Oldest won’t be home until around 2 or 3 that day. And if youngest opens presents on his own, it won’t be the same. Again, something crucial will be missing. Plus, by the time oldest opens gifts, youngest will wonder why he doesn’t have more.
And let’s not forget how every day for the past four, youngest has asked: “When will he be home again?”
Yeah, no one at Divorce Court tells you about this.
Husband and I are still trying to make it all work. And his family is wondering if we shouldn’t wait to do everything. Seems oldest is the one who enjoys family time the most.
I’m trying to cope by texting often. Youngest has talked to his brother a few times, and wondered if he could open a couple of gifts before he gets home and then open the rest later Christmas day. Husband is already planning fun for later this week.
Yeah, we’re learning. Even if they didn’t explain all of this in Divorce Court.
I am divorced and I still have that parenting plan filed away, eleven years later, the one we have never used because the ex has never taken it upon himself to follow it. I have spent holidays away from the kids, because thankfully the ex-inlaws still want to spend some of those Thanksgivings and Christmases with them. Sometimes my heart does ache those days, but most of the time it aches more because of the relationship they have lost with that one parental unit because he hasn't stepped up to the plate. My cousin is divorced, as is her current husband, and I watch them do the visitation dance with their three kids. I am sometimes grateful through my observations, that I haven't had to deal with the stress and loneliness, but I don't know. Holidays are hard enough without having to deal with separation. There is so much they don't tell you in that parenting class, that is for sure, and I wonder if they did, would as many people go through with it?I miss Marc every other Christmas and every other Thanksgiving. He's with me every Halloween, but I never see him on the 4th of July. He's with his father half of the week and with me for the other half. When he's gone, my heart hurts, especially when I walk past his bedroom and see the name "Marc" in wood blocks, labeling his door, and he's not in there. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's so difficult. But it always helps me to keep in mind what the holidays would be like if I were still married to his father, all of the drama and arguing. The in-laws who hate me, sleeping in the next room. The uncomfortable silences. Kids don't want to see that. You'll make it! It'll be alright!Thank you for writing this, Laura. I do know a lot of moms in this situation who feel exactly like you do (only can't word it as well). Even grandparents who can't be with their kids and grandbabies because of life decisions feel that way- joyful for the season and the loved ones with them, but with hole for the ones just out of reach. Merry Christmas to your family, the day and time that you celebrate doesn't matter because when you all do get to be together is when the Christmas magic happens.This year was a first for me. The petition has been filed, but the case has not been finalized. There are/were many moments of just being sad about the whole thing.And once again you shine a light on a subject I don't have personal experience with. I hope to never have that experience, but I have more understanding for those who go through the "visitation dance" as mygr8crew aptly put it. It would be SO difficult! I like what vengholm said about keeping in mind how much harder it would be with the ex back in the picture at the holidays. I hadn't thought of that, either. I learn so much from all the people on here!
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