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Emily Parnell
on May 25 2013 - 06:00 AM
Do you want something great to happen? You better start doing something.
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on May 21 2013 - 06:00 AM
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The question — and answer I think — was covered in the movie When Harry Met Sally. And basically, Billy Crystal said no.
But I try to be open minded. Think that maybe it’s possible. I’m friends with a lot of guys I work with. Not going out for drinks on Friday night friends or friends who go to a movie, but definitely friends.
And I would never think a thing of it.
Soon you will call me a hypocrite. That’s OK, I am a hypocrite. A very thoughtful, paranoid yet charming, hypocrite.
Here’s why I say that. Husband is entering into a new career. At one point, say when newspapers took a nose dive and landed on life support, we decided that the industry couldn’t sustain us both. He had much more education, a BA, a MA and most of his course work toward a PhD. I had the experience, almost 20 years now.
So when youngest headed off to school, we knew husband would need to jump into something new. He landed in education. Two classes at a time, he’s working through the needed courses to get his teaching certification. Headed toward teaching English to adolescents or young teens.
Great. Perfect. Couldn’t be happier.
He’s already been in the classroom and kids love him. He’s a natural (Well, his mother is a retired teacher and late father a chemistry professor, so I think it may be in his genes…)
But let’s recall my paranoia. Must consider that when deciding whether you see my point.
Well, the teaching profession is full of women. Day to day he’ll work with mostly women.
Fine. Not a problem. Can handle that. Well …. I think I can anyway.
What I’m having problem with is the classes. Lots and lots of young women. Cute, bubbly, with stylish boots and skirts and shirts that costs more than $15 at Kohls.
Here’s where I’m a hypocrite. I’ve been friends with guys all my life. He’s friendly, just friendly, with a class of young women and I get all freaky.
He goes out for drinks after the last class of a really rough quarter and I’m all nutso. Why was he home so late? How many girls were there? Any flirting?
Insane of me. Not fair to him.
Shame on me.
But surely someone else, some mom out there as crazy as I am, can understand my hypocritical rant?
It's not fair to him to try and deny him friends and/or coworkers based on gender. As long as the communications is good enough between you to know where the boundaries are than he should be OK. Those boundaries are up to you two obviously, but personally I'd say something like him talking about collaborating on something in class and having the occasional drink is far different than "permanent lesson planning and friday night drink partner".I understand feeling insecure. The question of where the line is? At this moment, it's group scenerios. Going w? Jan and Joan to the movies. Fine. Just Joan to dinner? I don't think so. We had a broader brush earlier in our marriage, but that's where we're happy now.I absolutely understand it. Kuanyin is right about communicating your boundaries. But if this hasn't come up before, this is where you do that communicating--telling him you are uncomfortable with this situation and he respecting your feelings. I'm in the camp with Billy Crystal-- I don't think men and women can be go-out-and-do-something friends if married to someone else without a higher level of risk. I don't mean grab a bite after class for 10 mins once, but meeting for drinks (unless a quick one with a group) and/or dinner and/or movie. Too risky for the comfort level to get intimate. And, in your case, if the women are single, even more risky. I've had friends and family who were people who would never cheat in a million years--one who swears men and women can be friends--and their lives have been turned upside down by situations like these. It's not fair, but it happens. And why put your spouse (or you in this case) in any position to doubt? In your case, with a last class celebration, I'd not say anything if it were a short (under an hour) stop in for a drink with the group, but any more and I'd be upset, too.granolamom: I can somewhat understand your position, but in my experience that sort of arrangement isn't workable over the long term to say "you can have a drink, but not two, for under an hour, unless it's a group setting in which case....". There are boundaries and than there are restrictions that, unless it's addressing something specific (and explicit) unbalances the relationship and becomes unworkable the longer it is in place. Her husband will presumably be working in a woman dominated field, working closely with other women, etc. The trust and communication has to be strong between her and her husband, else this would become cancerous. Obviously each couple is different, but there is a difference between communicating "I'm uncomfortable with x" and "be back here no more than 45 minutes after work or else xyz."Oh my! My husband was a college and high school teacher for years. High school girls worse than college. He became friends with many of his students. They loved him. I came home so many nights to a house full of teens. Sometimes it was all girls. They worked late together (11 p.m.) on papers the students were doing, all the time. Sometimes I'd ask if they needed help. I can write. And some times they did. But I never worried about him. TRUST! very important. And confidence is very sexy. Besides if something were going to happen there ain't a thing you can do about it. Stop it. Don't even bring that up. Why would you? He's doing his job just like you do yours.
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