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Growing up, there seemed to be one major rule that guided me and my sister. If it’s illegal, don’t do it.
Pretty simple. Don’t steal. Don’t do drugs. Don’t drink. Law says you can’t, so don’t. Not sure if it’s something our mom drilled in or lectured about constantly, it’s just something we lived by. Obey the law. (OK, back then we were probably dorks and prudes, but we stayed out of trouble. … Older brother? Well, we won’t go there.)
But these days I’m thinking the lines are blurring on us. In most houses, I’m guessing most kids aren’t allowed to steal, or do drugs. At least I don’t know too many parents that “allow” this. I know there are some, but, yeah, like I said, I don’t know them.
But it seems like the “in” thing for parents to do these days is “allow” a little drinking in the house. Not every night, but on special occasions, like celebrations and New Year’s Eve. If all the adults are toasting, pour a little for the older teenager. If it’s Italian night, allow a drink or two of the Merlot.
The thinking goes that parents teach kids how to walk, talk, read and drive so why not teach them how to drink responsibly? Do that and they won’t get loaded at a high school party or binge that first year of college. They won’t think drinking is so cool that they have to go crazy with it.
I get it. I do. I’ve talked with parents who lost their children to overdoses and sat in the courtroom for several days as another kid (he was 19, but still a kid to me) stood trial for drinking and driving and killing three of his friends when the car ran off the road and slammed into a tree. And then there are those 21st birthday rituals of downing 21 shots. And yes, I’ve already lectured oldest about how this isn’t a good idea.
So yeah, drinking responsibly should be taught. But I still struggle with the whole idea of “Hey, mom, pour me some of that red wine, would ya?”
I’m obsessed these days with reading up on all this. I know, I know, surprise, surprise. For every parent who says no way, never goin’ to do it, there’s an expert saying you’re right. For every parent who says a little is OK, and it’s their duty to teach a child to drink responsibly and de-glamorize the bubbly, there’s another expert that says right on, you’re doing the right thing.
On the Today show the other morning, one expert said parents shouldn’t do it because basically it’s condoning breaking the law. And that it becomes a slippery slope. A drink at home means Mom won’t care if I have a drink or two at the weekend party.
The other expert said our kids are going to do it when they’re not with us, so why not teach them parameters and moderation when they are with us?
I get this latter mentality. We’re using it when it comes to Rap and the ever-so-talented (and no, I’m not being saracastic … well, not really) Eminem. We know oldest is going to listen to it, the songs are everywhere, so we bought him a couple of CDs, and allow the iTunes downloads. (Of course I did ask him to fast-forward the songs where he’s talking bad about his mother… laughable, I know. )
But drinking? Nope, not ready to pour the glass. Not at 15. Maybe in a few years.
I guess it’s that prude in me from way back.
This is a tough one. I never meant to teach my kids that laws are arbitrary, but that's just what I do when I speed or have backyard chickens illegally (I didn't know, but still.) I do teach them to be aware of the consequences before choosing to go against a rule (ie: bringing snacks to the movie theatre could get you kicked out,) so I guess it's the same. You must be willing to accept the sometimes dire consequences of breaking a rule or law. If not, then don't do it. But never break a law for someone else (like having an underage party with alcohol at your house.) Man, I'm gonna have to think about this some more.I don't drink, although my husband does, but we have an understanding that there is no need to do it everyday and that it doesn't need to be done around the kids. Sorry, but it just isn't my thing and I don't need my kids around it. Just like smoking, I don't smoke so why would I want my kids around that either. I don't think my kids will be getting a drink at home anytime soon!If parents really think that their kids will drink " responsibly" because they allow them to drink at home, they are fooling themselves. What ever happened to parenting????? : (I don't think you're a prude. I don't know if I'd let my 15 year old have a drink either. However, if we were in France right now, we wouldn't be having this discussion. Different cultures see alcohol differently, and I'm not sure that any of those views are wrong, necessarily. If it were legal, I'm betting I would have let Marc have some wine already. But I'm like you, I don't like to break the law. And I don't think parents who let their kids have a drink before they're 21 are bad parents, either. Everyone does it different. But I certainly don't think you're a prude.Alcohol is a touchy subject for me, so I do not ever see myself allowing any underage drinking under my roof. Since we talk about alcohol, my kids are fully aware of my feelings about alcohol, and they understand why I feel the way I do about the subject.Valorie's right -- if this were France (or pretty much anywhere else in Europe or South America), this discussion would seem hilarious. In many cultures, kids drink wine as part of family dinners and religious rituals from a very young age, and it's my understanding that in some countries, low-alcohol beer is available in schools. I enjoy a glass of wine in the evenings, and my son is being raised to think of wine as pretty much like anything else -- it's fine in moderation. He's not interested in drinking it at this point (he's only 7), but I'm not opposed to allowing him to drink a small amount when he's older. The legality issue is a bit fuzzy, anyway -- I don't think it's technically illegal for someone under 21 to have a drink with his/her parents at the family dinner table. Let's hope the government has the good sense to stay out of that kind of thing.I thought a lot about this today while I was at work because I am torn on the issue. I don't condone my teenagers going out and drinking with their friends, or their friends' parents (or myself) having parties with alcohol that they or I have purchased. That being said, all of my kids partake in Communion wine and I drink a little at home and I could see them having a sip of wine there. I kind of agree with Sarah, in the privacy of my own home...My teenagers were stunned when I allowed them to share in the champagne toast at their cousin's wedding. It was a very small glass and seemed like an appropriate custom. We did discuss not drinking and driving, appropriate situations, etc on the way home.But I would never make that decision for someone else's child, or allow them to drink (or smoke) here. DD decided not to have a New Year's party here when I informed her of those rules.
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