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Christi Diggs
on May 23 2013 - 06:00 AM
A drop of spin, a cup of deception and tsp. politics=Apathy
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on May 21 2013 - 06:00 AM
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Or am I setting the poor kid up for embarrassment, ridicule from his friends who wouldn’t dare be Internet friends with their parents?
(Please, please, tell me I’m not doing that...)
Of course I didn’t think anything of it in the beginning. The idea was if he wanted a Facebook account, we’d be friends and I would check in periodically. (Sorry, Deb, for writing about Facebook too, but it's a big issue at our house these days) Not in a Big Brother way. Nor in a way that I’m refusing to let him grow up and be on his own in cyberspace. (Oh well, maybe yes on that one)
No, I would just be able to keep some tabs on what he’s doing and who he’s talking to when I’m not around. We check in throughout the day during the summer or if he’s at his dad’s or with friends. Pretty much the same thing.
Not a problem, right? Not an overprotective, smothering mom thing to do, is it?
Problem is, after we first set up his page and I became his first friend, a couple of my friends thought maybe it was too much. Maybe my photo, which is clearly a mom photo with him sitting to my left, shouldn’t be there for all his friends to see.
Friends with your mom? Not cool. Grandma and aunts, and mom's friends, that's OK. Just not mom.
Another friend thought maybe I shouldn’t have him as a friend because he would read everything I write or my friends write. But then I’m pretty open with him anyway. And I’m not very racy by nature.
So I turned to another friend. A dear, dear friend I turn to about a hundred times a day. Google.
And guess what? Seems everyone has an opinion on parents and kids being Facebook friends.
Some 15-year-old with a crazy logon like zigzag wag, holds back a little (sarcasm here) when he writes:
“You parents are all complete idiots. The reason we have facebook is so you dont know what we say to our friends. 99% o the time its not bad, we just dont like you knowing everything about us.” (I chose not to fix his grammar, BTW.)
OK. Well said, Mr. Zigzag. But I prefer Zach, who’s just 14.
“Kids need to "friend" their parents,” Zach wrote. “I am not allowed to have a Facebook or myspace, But I, A kid, Believe in parental overview sometimes.”
Can we have an Amen for Zach?
Another kid called it ‘stalking.’ And can you believe they have online groups like "keep parents off Facebook," and "eek, my mom's on Facebook?" Nice.
But my kid, the one who really counts here, thinks it’s great. Not creepy. Not over the top.
Of course he doesn’t really know how to use the site very well. In the beginning, everything seems cool.
I did promise him I wouldn’t write on his wall. I thought that was a good compromise.
It's a fine line to tread. Maybe this? A picture of you when you were a teen? or a different avie that doesn't show him "being your kid"? Otherwise, he's young, you're protective, you're responsible for his safety, well-being and that overrides (for now) his complete independence. Go with your gut instinct.Admittedly, this isn't an issue at my house yet (DS, being only 5mo, hasn't mastered the hand-eye coordination necessary to type just yet), but I think your solution is reasonable. Your son wants a Facebook page, you want to make sure he's not being an idiot with said page. I think there's a "top friends" feature or something like that (I, obviously, don't use Facebook), so he can always move you down in the list if having you as a friend is an issue. As far as embarassing him goes . . . isn't that part of our job as moms? I remember being embarassed all the time by my parents when I was a teenager--I just figured it went with the territory. :)I have mixed feelings. If the child is truly old enough for a FB account (I think probably half of my daughter's 6th grade class has an account--topic for a different post), it might be better to get the password and check on a periodic basis. I would be up front and tell him that he must give you his password. You can also set it up to be a hidden friend. I have a girl so it might be a little different, but recently quite a bit of mama bear behavior has begun due to FB--kids not being invited to parties (due to FB comments or pics) and typical girl drama (based on wall comments). When we were teens we had our drama, solved our drama, and moved on before our parents were aware--I think part of the recent problem has been moms who are FB friends of teens/tweens. I have remained unfriended with the teens/tweens, but it gets spread at sporting events.It's all in the eye of the beholder. Several of dd's friends parents have facebook, etc and it's obvious by the way they carry on that it's a good thing. It really depends on the kids perspective, if they can rise above the bull other kids dish out. I was always close with my parents and friends of mine growing up told me that they wished they could have relationships with their parents like that and regarded me as lucky. I never kept friends that would put me down for it. I think the cool kids are the ones that seem to be able to maintain that balance, even at a young age....just because it shows maturity. Most of dd's friends seem to be able to do that. It's nice.I'm not sure "friending" does much good for screening, since we can create groups and then "block" groups from seeing some of our posts. BUT, I think it's fine from a "continuing a good relationship with my kid" status. (Now my kids aren't old enough for FB yet, so we'll see....) I think "surprise" inspections WITH my child from time to time (whether monthly, quarterly, whatever) are the best device for seeing what he's really up to.Yeah, well, since mine are younger, I considered a family facebook to start so the younger ones could participate. Same way with a family blog. Let them have times for their entries. I'm not yet ready for a 100% free from mom facebook and it's not my kiddos I don't trust, it's the strangers. Even with a private facebook, their posts and photos can be out there for the world to see if a friend comments on them. I think generally it's safe, but I would be a bit overprotective just in case. Once they are ready for their own facebook, I think because of the relationship we have, I will be able to friend them freely. At the very least, I have many children and it's likely they will friend each other....I am friends with both my kids. I insist on it. I don't "stalk" them, and I don't usually "chat" with them, but I do let them know when I think something is inappropriate. They seem to be all right with that. Of course, I'm not silly enough to think they don't have a separate account that I know nothing about!I think it depends on the child and the parent, and that the situation could change depending on how the people involve grow and change. My DD is too young to be on a social networking site, but she's an anime fan and enjoys watching anime videos on YouTube. She also makes her own anime and posts it (with my assistance). BUT ... her account is just an alternate sign-on for mine, and I see every message that comes through to her before she sees it. She's only 9. I would not at this point under any circumstances let her loose on the net. For example, she's clothes conscious and has picked up on the adjective "hot." So she will post that some anime character who has a cute costume looks "hot." I've gone round and round with her about not using that adjective until and unless she knows what it means. In the meantime, I have to delete the few comments that come through from older perverted guys watching the "hot" anime characters. Sigh.In our house, this isn't even an option or up for discussion. If he wants to keep his facebook, I am on his friends' list and I have password. If I see an adult who is on his friends list and I don't know them...gone...if a friend uses foul language in their status or on a comment...gone. I'm the parent, I make the rules so either live with it or live without FB. Real simple. Embarassing him doesn't even figure into the equation.As long as he's ok with it, why not? If a kid really doesn't want you to know what's going on, he'll create another page that you know nothing about.Both my girls have Facebook accounts as well as myself. I am friends on theirs. It is a great tool for monitoring I have called them on a couple of things occasionally. In fact my cousin is friends with them too and she caught something that I had missed. For me this is a wonderful thing. I do not monitor it like a hawk, but it helps me to see more of the picture than sometimes they will show. They seem okay with it, but I have always made it clear that I am the mom and if I feel I need to I can monitor texts, email, activity on the computer, etc.The whole internet social networking is still an experiment in the making with kids, isn't it? I don't think it's been around long enough, and at this level of use, to know and that's what's so uncomfortable. This is SO far from how most of us grew up, right? Scary for me. Because my 8 yr old has been seeing her mom and dad use FB, she's started asking for her own account. It's a definite no now, and I have no idea when I'll be ok with it. I'm really liking the suggestions to have a password and let your kid know you can monitor at any time, and I really like the idea of spot checking WITH said kid. I think if your son is ok with you being his friend, then do it. If it gets weird for him, you can go with the spot check thing.
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