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Christi Diggs
on May 23 2013 - 06:00 AM
A drop of spin, a cup of deception and tsp. politics=Apathy
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Lindsay Metcalf
on May 22 2013 - 06:00 AM
When that tornado siren sounds, I'm in the basement
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mara williams
on May 21 2013 - 06:00 AM
Summer break has this mom on a house upkeep war path.
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I’ll get to that in a minute. But first …
I remember the moment from about six months ago distinctly. Toddler was being, well, let’s say charming, very charming. (Note the sarcasm here.) He was kicking, screaming, demanding he walk alone in a crowded parking lot with cars whizzing past. I envisioned us losing a match of human dodge ball and the mind picture wasn’t pretty.
Husband dealt with toddler, I tried to corral oldest and 10 minutes later we sat in the car, sweating from the wrestling bout we just endured and longing for the 30 minutes we’d get alone that night once the boys are in bed.
“Man,” I said at the time. “Only strong marriages survive toddlers.”
We laughed, and so far we’re still together.
You can have money issues, sleep issues, and issues about distribution of chores and work around the house. Then there’s discipline and which style you will use. Did I mention sleep issues, meaning a lack of it?
No surprise then, that a study out of Denver this past week claimed that marital bliss takes a hit after the birth of the first child. Oh really?
Researchers at the Denver University found that 90 percent of the couples surveyed said their happiness in the marriage decreased within a year of having the first child. The eight-year study of 218 Denver-area couples found that those with a little one experienced an abrupt dip in their happiness while those without children became less happy over time.
Uh, does that matter? Unhappiness is unhappiness, isn’t it? Does it really matter when it happens?
But I digress.
What I found even more interesting than the study and article in The Denver Post were the comments at the end of the story. Usually I hate those, but these kept me entertained.
Some blasted the study because they said it implied children were a bother. That the study demeaned marriage.
Come on, is all I can say.
Others said the message of the study was for couples not to have kids.
Are these people for real?
A reader who went by Nicolec had a good response for that:
“The study isn't saying "don't have kids" but rather "if you have kids be aware that marital bliss is likely to decrease for at least a short time".
What gets me is just because people say kids can be tough, that automatic means something negative. That the person must regret having children and is selfish.
I was high-fiving reader Saxon, who said: “News Flash: Kids are work! Like anything else in life worth having - it takes sacrifice, commitment and putting others before yourself.”
According to The Post article, couples were videotaped discussing a recent problem or argument. Psychologists analyzed the videos, noting when the husband or wife refused to talk, refused to let the other person talk, yelled or denied wrongdoing.
People involved in the study also had to answer yearly questionnaires about their marriages, including rating their happiness on a scale of 1 to 7.
The article pointed out that couples who were the most romantic before children got the "biggest jolt at baby time, according to Scott Stanley, a DU professor quoted in The Post.
Couples who had babies right away, within a year or so of getting married, and couples with lower incomes also had more substantial drops in marital satisfaction.
Makes sense.
From my experience -- and on this topic I do have a little -- it’s all about how strong the marriage was before kids. So, to answer that very first question.
No, I sure the heck don’t think kids break up a marriage. Maybe, just maybe, -- again, in my opinion, a marriage isn’t strong enough to handle kids. Because after all, kids, especially toddlers, aren’t for the weak.
Reader vb+go said it best in the comments after the story: “The keys to a happy marriage is to relax and enjoy your children. Also, parents, sleep in the nude.”
And that last part is a topic for another blog.
The results of this study are almost sort of "duh" to me. Of course kids make marriage harder. Kids make everything harder. That doesn't make them not worth having! Just this weekend our 2 year old's horrible tantrums over getting his picture taken and refusing to eat Easter Dinner had DH and I fighting with each other over discipline. Kids are sneaky like that. :-) But we aren't sorry we had him, or sorry that we got married. We are maybe a little sorry that it's not legal to use a tranquilizer gun on your kids, but that is a whole other issue... :-)So right! Babies force us out of our naturally self-centered ways very quickly. That's a shock, for sure. But I agree--absolutely worth it.My husband read this story and shared it with me over the weekend. We found it interesting, because it confirmed our experience. The most difficult period of our almost two decades together thus far was the couple years after our daughter was born.Not only do kids make marriage harder, but they also make it a lot more interesting! You learn so much about your spouse, yourself, and your marriage when kids make the scene. And it most assuredly does not stop once they're past the toddler stage, either! My kids are 17 and 14, and the problems just keep coming. But so do the delights. One thing that my DH and I have learned is the power of the United Front. :)We were married five years before we had kids. I think we were as ready as we could be, which is to say the first few years with kids were psychotic and I can't remember all the details, except that when the end of the day came, I'd given my all to the kids and didn't have much left for the hubby. However, it's a learning experience. Having kids isn't for the faint of heart, that's for sure.I heard about this study report and thought "Don't they really have anything better to study?" We were so sleep deprived that entire FIRST YEAR that had I been a test subject all my answers would have been suspect. Had I been in a quiet room taking this survey, I'd have answered "B" to everything and spent the rest of the time sleeping.If you see your partner as being attractive in their role as a mom or dad it really helps. So does being together about 15 years before you leap off the bridge. My P still falls asleep with the kids most nights -- we are so lucky to have them here. I spoke with a woman today who said she appreciates her daughter's voice now so much -- it's a joy when she calls -- now that they don't live together. Yep, the first four years were bootcamp. But after 5, they were amazing joyful creatures.AHhhhhh ... I'd like to see a study that involved parenting teenagers and marriages ... those years are the TRUE test, in my humble opinion ... babies ? toddlers ? pieces of cake (didn't thin so at the time) ... teenagers are a whole other story !!! a whole other set of "issues" !!!Toddlerhood didn't break up my marriage, but it didn't help an already stressful situation. My mantra..."It is just a phase!" spoken several times throughout the day.I agree with teenymom! It is a kinda "duh" study. Kid are not easy and neither is marriage and both require work. Neither of them come with a operators manual! DH and I had our son before we were even married a year. It was a surprise to us because we were told we had a snowballs chance in you know where that we would ever have kids so we did what all newlyweds do...and well it led to DS. It has been rough, but we always knew we wanted kids and we work hard at both parenting and at our marriage. Its an all or nothing thing you cant do either half cocked!
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