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The very nice man checking out my books at the library must have thought I needed some help. Serious help.
I mean my stack of books was chin high and the counter seemed pretty low to me. All but two books were offering me some sort of advice
How to cook light and healthy meals for a family. How to make a web page. How to teach my lovely toddler how to do more sign language and then there was book after book (five total) on how to parent said toddler.
Walking out of the library I did feel a little desperate. But, hell, I’ll admit it. I need a little help.
And I’m taking it anywhere I can get it.
Just about a year ago I boxed most of my parenting books I relied on with oldest. Others were traded in at a bookstore and I didn’t bother getting a few back from people I had loaned them to. I figured this second time around I knew what I needed to know. Who needed books? The oldest had turned out all right and as far as I knew none of his friends’ parents had complained about his manners or said, “What, were you raised by wolves?”
I figured I’d just use my “experience” this second time. And what other help I needed I would turn to my girlfriends and mom sites like this one. Who needed any sort of parenting style? Any sort of researched technique for raising a child.
Silly mom. Silly mom. (I’ve been saying that a lot lately.)
It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I had the epiphany that I couldn’t rely on all this experience I thought I had. My youngest is way different than my oldest.
The youngest throws tantrums differently than the oldest. This one has no fear, the oldest was a tad more skittish. Little one eats about five things, oldest ate whatever you put in front of him and then cried for more.
That’s when I realized that, indeed, my husband and I were just winging it with our little one.
My husband, who’s doing the whole baby/toddler thing for the first time, was willing to take my lead. But he was kind of expecting that I would know exactly what to do and then explain my reasoning so he could learn.
He just figured I had it all thought out or was going by some game plan.
Silly dad. Silly dad.
So now I’m looking for advice. We’re wanting a method for all this madness.
Hence my trip to the library. You ought to have seen me when I got home, showing each book to my husband like I was flaunting some cute new jeans and tops I’d just bought at the mall. Husband’s favorite: “How to raise kids you want to keep.” My favorite: “Adventures in Gentle Discipline.”
Anybody else rely on certain parenting styles? Specific physicians who know the way? Help me fill the list for my next library trip. Or, do you just lean on experience and go with your gut?
I gotta tell ya, I’m a firm believer in the gut. Always have been . But my gut sure wasn’t telling me how to soothe a lovely child who doesn’t understand he can’t eat five popsicles before noon.
I recommend "Negotiation Generation: Take Back your Parental Authority Without Punishment". It encompasses much of my parenting philosophy, and you can get it at the library!Our first kid was the toughest. Love & Logic has been the only thing that has consistently worked. You can find classes everywhere, and there are lots of handy CDs you can listen to on your way to work, on your iPod. It's really great.I was just talking to my sister about this very thing. She wasn't keen on the Love & Logic book, and told me about a book called Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. She had just purchased Raising Your Spirited Child, as well. I guess my philosophy is take what works so far, find out what's worked for others, keep applying your instinct. If it feels ok, even if it's tough to do, then maybe it's worth a try. What clicks for one kid won't necessarily click for another, even within your own family. I commend you for finding out what approaches might be better for your youngest instead of plugging away with things that worked for the oldest. Your general approach will probably be the same, but there are LOTS of techniques out there. Even if you take pieces of several techniques, you'll figure it out. Hopefully it's before college!We just started using the Love & Logic. I have noticed some improvement with my 4 year old, and with MY behavior. Much easier to keep your cool when you are trying to remember what is the right empathetic thing to say, and what choices you can give. Had to laugh this AM when my daughter told my 2 year old son "how sad" while they were playing. I think we are on to something!
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