So a few weeks back, the Today show had a story on how to tell whether you’re a Wife-in-Chief. 

I was thinking it was a story about Michelle Obama, so I paused in my morning frenzy to have a listen. 

Well, no. They weren’t talking about my girl Michelle. They were talking about me. 

OK, not me exactly. But they were talking about what I’ve become over the last eight years. And it wasn’t a flattering portrait. 

A Wife-in-Chief is basically a control freak who runs the house and every part of the lives of those who live in the house. 

She makes all decisions, from where to go on vacation to who to invite to dinner to what kind of grass seed to plant. The implication from the two blonde experts was that the Wife-in-Chief emasculates her man and makes the house a living hell. A clean living hell that smells like a Carolina pine forest, but a living hell all the same. 

I know you’re not gonna believe this, but I was a little bit offended. Or more like a lot offended. OK, I was blindingly outraged. 

Sure, I’m thinking. All those husbands who are so emasculated are just crying on the inside because they weren’t allowed to sign Junior’s permission slip for the class skating party. And they were so hurt because when Precious called, needing that library book that she left on the vanity in her hellaciously messy room, they weren’t asked to drive that book all the way out to middle school. And they were moved to tears because by the time they drag their sorry a**es in the door at 6:30 or 7 p.m., the kids already have eaten dinner every single night. 

Cry me a freaking river, emasculatees. 

I need to calm down. I need to stop right now and find my happy place and pour myself a little coffee with a shot of my happy juice or something because I’m starting to hyperventilate as I write this. 

The nerve, Today show producers! The nerve to imply that the parent who spends the bulk of the time taking care of the kids and making sure everything that needs to get done gets done is somehow out of line. 

OK, to be fair, maybe they’re talking about marriages and parenting arrangements that are split more evenly, where one parent isn’t left with the bulk of the responsibility. That could be. I wouldn’t know, since I haven’t lived that life since March 1, 2001 (not that I’m keeping track.) 

The experts Natalie Morales interviewed said that the Wife-in-Chief needs to cede more responsibility to her mate, but to do it in a non-judgmental, nice way. To ask him to do small things, and then give him some positive encouragement when he does it. 

For the record, I don’t think two adults who are married and co-parenting need to compliment each other for doing what they’re supposed to do. That’s harsh, I know. I just think you do what you’re supposed to do without expecting niceties. If you get some, they’re icing.

Plus, I’ve tried that, and it doesn’t work. The only household chores my hubby has is to put away his folded clothes and to change the litter boxes weekly. 

For the last six weeks, there’s been a constant pile of his clean, folded clothes in front of his bedside table.  

And there are three litter boxes. Changing them (and sweeping up the litter that gets on the floor) takes maybe 10 minutes.  

Well, take a gander at that photo at the top and try to guess when the last time was those suckers saw fresh litter.  

Therein lies the dilemma of the Wife-in-Chief. Should she nag her spouse, ask him to change those boxes before the kids start thinking the dried cat poop is petrified wood and take it to school for show-and-tell?

Or should she take the Love & Logic approach and wait until the cats take a dump in his closet, and then say, “Bummer. Guess those litter boxes should have been changed a month ago.” 

Or should she do as I do and change the effing litter boxes, inwardly seething the whole time, then slam pots and pans around until the spouse asks her what’s wrong? 

I don’t know. All I know is this: I don’t want to be a Wife-in-Chief, but for pity’s sake, someone has to be in charge around here.

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What do you think? Are you a Wife-in-Chief?