Here’s a fun game to play when you’re stuck in line with your kiddos at the DMV or waiting for a delayed flight and your 6-year-old’s on meltdown or you’re driving across Kansas and your 13-year-old’s sarcasm level is about to make your head explode: 

Imagine what breed every member of the family would be if you were all dogs. 

We played this little game while we were on vacation, waiting an interminably long time to be waited on at a popular restaurant. 

Here’s how it went down. We were sitting there, starved half out of our minds. We had stuffed enough crackers down the kids, played enough games of tic-tac-toe, broken up enough fights. But it was coming to a head. Everyone was tired and cranky and itching for a fight. 

And then it came to me.  

“So,” I said, “let’s all go around the table and figure out what kind of dog we’d be if we were dogs.” 

The kids just looked at me. I could tell what they were thinking – the same thing I was thinking when I was a teen-ager on vacation with my parents and my mom thought the Doobie Brothers were somehow related to Doby Gillis. They were thinking, “She’s finally lost it.” 

But my husband knew where I was going, and he jumped right in. 

Tom was the easiest. He’d be a Jack Russell terrier, no question about it. He’s small and feisty and very smart and doesn’t take anything off anyone. 

Joe, we figured, would be a Saint Bernard. We could just picture him with a cask under his chin, rescuing weary mountain travelers. 

Maggie was a little more difficult. I could picture her as a golden retriever, but she can be a little high strung. We finally agreed on border collie – smart and trainable but with a herding instinct that keeps it from being too mellow. 

I said Matt was a Labrador retriever. He’s good-natured and friendly. 

Finally it was my turn. I figured they’d say I was a mutt, but the consensus surprised me: They decided I was a standard poodle.  

I was patently offended. All I could think of was the standard poodle in one of my favorite movies, Best in Show. The poodle was named Rhapsody in White, aka Butch. And that dog had one ugly haircut.

Matt justified the choice by saying that poodles are smart but a little high-strung, just like me. I pouted for a bit and then our food came and I forgot all about the little game. 

I forgot about it until Tuesday, when I was stuck in a doctor’s exam room with Maggie and Tom. He was bouncing off the walls and asking me such questions as “If you live on the equator, do you know that you live on the equator?” and “How many square miles does Antarctica have?”  

I glanced at a crate full of books and saw one on dog breeds. So I handed it to Tom and told him to find his favorite dog. And right inside the front cover was a Jack Russell terrier. 

When we got home, I dug out our dog breed book. I decided to see how close we were when we chose everyone’s breed.  

And by gosh, it was eerie… 

The description of the Labrador retriever perfectly fit Matt: “Courageous, loyal and hard working, the Labrador retriever has earned worldwide respect for its dedication to duty…Exceptionally patient and gentle with children, it craves attention and needs to feel as though it is part of the family…The Labrador is easily trained and accepts any task with a sense of enthusiasm and responsibility.” 

Then I flipped to Maggie, the border collie, and read, “Highly intelligent and easy to please, the dog makes a wonderful pet, especially in homes with energetic children. However, it may bark excessively and be scrappy and jealous with other dogs. It is easily obedience-trained.” 

Oh, yeah. She’s a chatterbox but has her moody moments. 

I knew the Jack Russell was spot-on for Tom, and I was right: “The Jack Russell is a keen, excitable – almost hyperactive – dog that makes a playful, overwhelmingly affectionate pet. Intelligent, quick-witted and full of life and fun, they settle well into family life if given firm training from an early age…Alert and confident, they are sometimes scrappy with other dogs.” 

You should have seen and heard him not play well with others on Tuesday afternoon. Cripes. 

Joe as a Saint Bernard held true, too: “The Saint Bernard is generally good with children. It is highly intelligent and easy to train, although training should begin early, while the dog is still a manageable size, to quell any dominant tendencies.” 

Finally. Some validation for all those years of parenting classes. 

So finally, I turned to the poodle page. I still fancied myself a mutt, maybe a cross between a Lab and a golden retriever. But after I read about poodles, I grudgingly admitted that maybe that did fit my personality: “Once a poodle owner, always a poodle owner – fanciers of this breed seldom become attached to another. The winning ways of this clever dog captivate almost everyone.” 

Tell me more, I thought.  So I read on: “Bright, good-natured and versatile, it is comfortable in the show ring, the field or the home and makes an animated, fun-loving companion.” 

But here was the best part: “Considered by many the most intelligent of all breeds, the poodle is particularly easy to housetrain. The standard is exuberant and independent…the breed is normally full of fun and eager to please. It makes a great playmate for children – often feeling slighted if left out of family activities – and a good watchdog.” 

I’m now thinking of getting a curly perm and wearing fluffy white boots on my feet, thank you very much.  

But don’t even think about calling me the five-letter word for female dog.