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Christi Diggs
on Feb 4 2010 - 06:00 AM
Regular cleaning...going rate, cleaning after sick child...priceless
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Deb Clem-Buckert
on Feb 3 2010 - 12:00 PM
Goodbye Tooth Fairy! (Tinkerbell, Please Stay A Little While Longer)
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Kady McMaster
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I had a panic attack yesterday.
It was long overdue and in fact had been building since the day in 2002 that we welcomed our youngest child, Tom, into the family.
I remember so clearly holding his little 6-pound, 2-ounce body, feeling complete, feeling unbelievably happy. The euphoria lasted about a day. And then the dread set in, and it’s been there in the back of my mind ever since. If you’re this happy, I tell myself, something’s going to go wrong.
This is the first time I’ve ever put this feeling into print, so terrible is it. I’m afraid I’m jinxing myself by even discussing this irrational fear.
Call it pessimism, call it a premonition, call it my Irish Optimism. Or just call me crazy, which is what I call myself.
I think I’ve watched one too many Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, read one too many maudlin disease-of-the-week story. But it seems like there have been little harbingers, like the time when Tom was 2 or so, and he’d point to the sky and tell us he’d miss us when he was living up there. Or his frequent questions about death.
So this time, it started with a low-grade fever and lethargy. On the way to school Monday, he said his ear and throat hurt. I called the pediatrician and got him a late-afternoon appointment. After a hard-fought throat culture and examination, the doc said that perhaps Tom had mono and sent us to the hospital lab for some blood work. The lab tech said I’d hear something Tuesday.
I worried all night. What if it was mono? What if it wasn’t? What if his test results revealed something unspeakable, something so terrible I don’t even want to type the word here?
I was gone all Tuesday morning. When I got home around noon, I checked the messages. A nurse had left a message asking me to call about Tom’s labs.
And then I knew. I knew it was bad. If everything were negative, she’d just have told me on the message, I reasoned. So I called, but the nurse was at lunch and wouldn’t return for 45 minutes.
That’s when I freaked out. I was all alone in the house with nothing but the Internet to keep me company. And I’m already a little bit neurotic, so you can imagine what I did during that time.
I looked up diseases. And I let my mind go to the place I’d never let it fully go before, the place where I owned my irrational fear that something would happen to my little boy.
What is wrong with me? I thought. Why do I worry so about him? I do obsess about the other two, yes, but my worries about Tom are a little more out there. Maybe it’s because he came as a surprise, and we view him as an extra gift. The other two are gifts, too, but they’re the ones you expected. He’s like the one you find under the tree after you’ve opened all the others, the one you almost forgot about. The surprise gift.
I called the nurse back promptly at 1 p.m. I was on hold for 10 minutes. No Muzak filled the time, either, just the sound of my fingers tapping the keyboard. Then the nurse was there, telling me that Tom’s blood count revealed he’s a little anemic. The other tests results weren’t back yet.
The nurse suggested I buy some Flintstones vitamins with iron and told me she’d call me back with the rest of the results, probably by Thursday. Then with a cheery “good-bye” she was gone.
I Googled “anemic.” There are some bad reasons he could be anemic. Or it could just be that he’s got an infection.
I willed myself to calm down. And I did.
I’m always telling my kids to face their fears, that once you expose them to the bright light of day, they’re not as scary. This time I took my own advice, and I think I was right.
At least until Thursday.
I went through the sam ething when my son, who was only 9, had major stomache pains. I did a test to see if maybe, just maybe it was his appendix...I was up all morning and then just took him. I also had a nightmare when my youngest was 3 months... that he stopped breathing. Worst feeling, and it was a recurring nightmare. All because I was told he had an irregular heartbeat. Now he's running and playing soccer, but I feared I'd lose him when he slept.Kids and their health..... yes panic attacks around here often. I have to take my daughter to her heart dr today... I think things have gone down ... PANIC ATTACK yes. I will have to try and not cry when we get there... not cry when I see other kids with problems waiting their turn ... not cry when I tell the dr whats been going on ... not cry when the tests are being done ......... you get my point. Yes being a mother can be one panic attack after the other! I feel for ya.Something about giving birth also made me so much more aware of my mortality and the precious ephemeral lives of all those who are close to me. As for your son talking about dying at a young age ... my DD did that, too, almost from the time she could talk. It really freaked me out. Come to find out that some gifted kids have more of an awareness of mortality at an earlier age and a heightened spiritual awareness. Maybe it doesn't mean you're little boy's going to die young ... maybe it means he's going to do really, really well in school. :-)SO GLAD to know I'm not the only one who immediately thinks the worst when my kids are sick or hurt. One DD fell down the stairs yesterday in the split second that I turned around to make sure her less-coordinated twin was making it safely down the other set of stairs. She did the silent scream, which she never does, and her eyes closed for a milisecond. In that moment, I convinced myself that she had incurred a life-altering concussions of brain damage proportions, and went through all the scenarios of what I should do and who I should call. Fifteen minutes later, she was trying to jump off the couch. Someone should have told me there would be days like that. Hang in there. I bet all will be ok.Right there with you, Kate. I was feeling quite anxious just reading your blog. Glad Tom is OK and hope he likes Flintstones.Oh, boy, do I know this territory very well. I don't just do it on them, either. I do it with myself. When I had meningitis, I was on the Net way too much, obsessing about whether or not I was going to "make it". What would they do without me? I kept asking myself. How could I leave them? Randy wouldn't even remember me... So, yeah. Been there. It ain't fun. And now I'm going to worry about yours until tomorrow, too, so you have to post an update, okay?You are right on with my worst fear. When my kids get sick I get an ache in my stomache until they pull out of whatever seems to be the problem. And when Logan was diagnosed with Tetrology I almost couldn't breathe and was uncontrollably crying. Open heart surgery? Yes...that's what it took to fix my boy. I didn't think I would deal well but I made it and you will too. You're a strong mama. Please post and let us know your boy is okay 'cause like Jennifer I'll be worrying too.Wohoo.. hopefully he can be treated with flintstones? Yes, like JB said, please let us know! But that would be a great outcome. I do know that when the nightmares do happen IRL, we get superpowers to get through them,and come out the other end wondering how we did it. That has been my experience anyway.. hopefully not something that will have to be tested again ( this is written salt over my left shoulder).Weird -- I just threw salt over my left shoulder; the kitten spilled some by knocking over the shaker on the kitchen table where I'm working. I thought, better safe than sorry...I hear you on the fear. I had a dream last night that Jill was laying down on her back and eating a banana. She starting choking and I immediately woke up. Freaked out at 3 am, I went to check on them. Of course they were fine. I always worry. I think it is part of being a mom. I hope the results come out fast on Thursday and that your little one is perfectly healthy!My worst nightmare - what just happened to John Travolta's son. My son had seizures when he was 2 and I was so worried he'd fall down and seriously hurt himself. Praise God, he's better now and off his meds, but my heart just stopped for a minute when I heard the Travolta story.I've got a little one that makes comments like that too--it stops my heart for a second when she does that. Will be praying for peace of mind for you, Katebeem, and for your little guy.Thank you for having the courage to share this with us. Yes, I share in the same fears as you. Although, my daughter's father once told me if you fret about something 2 much u can "call it to happen". So now when I get feeling fearful about something, I try to visualize the outcome as positive and hopefully it'll "call that to happen" instead ;o)Sounds like we've all been there. DS was diagnosed with asthma at the age of 2. I didn't sleep for weeks out of terror that he'd have an attack at night and choke to death alone and afraid. He's 5 now and I still have a baby monitor next to his bed. Been through other stuff too, that's what kids do to us!Welcome to my world! With eight kids, I think I have imagined every possible horrifying scenario. And some have actually come true. I used to joke that the KCK rescue squad could get to our house in three minutes, but then, they had a lot of practice. Our children have had heat stroke, a twisted bowel, post-operative hemmorage and we nearly lost the child, broken bones, concussions, snake bite, stitches too numerous to count and two sons serving in Iraq at the same time. And that's only the stuff I can remember! And as some of you know, my oldest son did die of cancer. What I learned to do, early on was to stop living my life in a "What if..." mode. I nearly drove myself insane, quite literally. I couldn't live for fear of "what if something happened." Eventually I realized what I would lose if I never simply enjoyed my children, always in fear of "what if." It was so hard. Some of the "worst" stuff has happened. But I am grateful that I was able to stop living my life waiting for it.Kate, I understand why you are feeling the way you do. After losing our fourth daughter to a stillbirth at 37 weeks, every day if my husband is late coming home or if the phone rings while my girls are at school, the worst case scenario pops into my mind. I think it might be our way of preparing ourselves for the worst to happen to avoid the "suprise". You are not alone in your thoughts and worries. I was worried last night when I could not hear my husband snoring.... thinking he had stopped breathing. Talk about paranoid! :) I will be thinking about you and your son and praying that all is well. Let us know what happens. Try to stay positive.....michelle
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