Well, I've contemplated all day long on whether I should write this blog or not. I came to the conclusion that it would be good therapy for me to just get it all out there.

I was 12 weeks pregnant and yesterday had a miscarriage. The last 24 hours have been high on my list for one of the saddest days of my life. 

Early Thursday morning (around 2 a.m.) I woke up to go to the bathroom and when I looked down I saw a pool of blood and large blood clots. 

I yelled for Luke and started crying uncontrollably. I knew what happened, there was no denying it. I had the proof right underneath me. My heart crumbled into a million pieces and I feared that at the bottom of the toilet bowl I was going to see a tiny baby. Thankfully, I did not.

After a while I went downstairs and shuffled through a stack of papers to find my midwife's phone number and instructions on what to do if I had these symptoms. I wasn't going to get any answers until 9 a.m. when they arrived in the office. 

(Of course we thought about going to the E.R. but I felt more comfortable seeing the group of women that I trusted for the past 6 years with my healthcare needs.)

All night from about 3 a.m. to 9 a.m. I sat in front of the computer and googled "bleeding and clotting during pregnancy." I read stories that gave me hope I would still carry my baby full term, and of course I read others that made my eyes glaze over and fill with tears.

I got on Facebook hoping that there was a good friend online, someone to talk to ... but there wasn't. Everyone was asleep. 

I got right into the office an hour after chatting with the midwife. An ultrasound showed us that the type of miscarriage I had was called a blighted ovum. 

A blighted ovum is a type of miscarriage in which the baby either never develops or stops growing at a very early stage in pregnancy and then disintegrates, but a gestational sac does develop and the body does not recognize that the baby is missing.

Our baby was measuring only about six weeks, there was no fetus because it had already started to disintegrate and apparently it took my body double that time to figure out what was going on. On the screen we saw an empty sac, a black hole.

The sonographer put her hand on my shoulder and wiped my tears. I can only imagine how many times she's had to explain situations like this.

On my left I could feel Luke griping my seemingly lifeless hand.

I was told that no one really knows why this happens, but a few studies have shown that a blighted ovum may be caused by chromosomal abnormalities in the embryo which prompt the body to end the pregnancy because it can't develop into a healthy baby. My egg could have been old, or the sperm was old or something in the genetics just wasn't right.

The midwife described it as: "Mother nature taking care of a baby that wasn't healthy." For this I am at a small amount of peace because I can't imagine the emotional rollercoaster involved in raising a child who isn't healthy. 

One friend comforted me in saying: "The only thing that can bring comfort is that this is a blessing in disguise." It's taken me a long time to come to the conclusion that this pregnancy was just not meant to be.

I was watching Project Runway tonight and all the sudden reality set in that I was no longer pregnant and Heidi Klum became a watery/wavy image on the screen, like she was a reflection on water.

I will probably not have to do any kind of surgery such as a D & C unless I develop a fever, start bleeding really bad, have a blood clot the size of an orange or if the sac continues to be implanted in my uterus and never goes away.

The beauty of a midwife is that she believes the best way is the natural way and she doesn't want me getting a D & C because it may cause scar tissue in my uterus. Since the bleeding process has already begun, my body will take care of itself and absorb or discard of the miscarriage naturally. 

My mom and Luke came to the hospital with me this morning and I'm glad I have a huge amount of support from friends and family. 

I've been worrying about things such as wondering if this will happen again or thinking that this was somehow my fault. It freaks me out that the words "chromosomes" and "genetics" were used to describe the cause. Is there something wrong with my DNA? Luke's DNA?

The odds of having another blighted ovum are slim to none. It is still safe for me to have children Luke and I plan on trying again. Most doctors recommend that you wait up to three months before trying again, but my midwife told us to follow our hearts and try and again when we are ready, even if it means next month.

I can now feel the pain that a lot of women have after finding out their expected baby has not made it. It's an empty feeling that I believe not even the father is able to feel.

I realize that some families have been trying for a first baby for years and years and are never successful. At least I can say that I am once again lucky to already have such a perfectly healthy child in every way possible.

My heart smiled this afternoon when Bo came home from school today. He brings me hope and gives me faith that I will carry full term again and someday have another perfect beautiful baby.

I am comfortable in sharing my story with all of you because I know this site is filled with mothers (who sometimes don't see eye to eye) who have experienced the same thing.

It sucks having to tell my story over and over again to those who knew about my pregnancy. But I'm not sure I could have bottled this up and dealt with it alone.

I mean, come on, when you're the girl with the vodka in her hands all the time and then suddenly she's drinking water... it's kind of hard to hide.

I am going to take a few days off work and Luke is staying home with me. Today was supposed to be my appointment to hear the heartbeat. It seems like I've been waiting forever for Feb. 5 to come... now I just wish it would end. Bear with me if I don't write a blog next week.