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- kim nakahodo - Profile | Pictures | Blog
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Hats off to you SAHMs – I don’t think I could join your ranks.
I wrote on the Divorce blog board that a good friend of mine has just started her divorce procedure. She was a SAHM for 8 years, and what does she have to show for it? Other than 4 beautiful children, she has a 12-year-old car and two duffle bags.
Two hours after being served his divorce papers, my friend’s husband closed all their joint accounts and filed for an Ex parte order against her. This left my friend broke and unable to return home. (Let’s just say that he is in law enforcement and there seems to be a lot of liberties that come with that job.)
Maybe I just have trust issues.
I love my husband and I can’t imagine him doing anything like this to me… but it’s the biggest reason I would be leery of becoming a SAHM.
My grandmother fled Germany before WW2 and always warned us about giving up the money and the power. She said that was how the Nazi party was able to do what ever they wanted because they had the money and the power. She used to preach to us about being self-sufficient – especially to the girls of the family. (Which is way I STILL work 2 jobs – neurotic.)
From the SAHM families I have seen, there seems to be this lighthearted joke about the fact that the husband “does all the work and the wife just watches the kids.”
I was once over at a SAHM friend’s house and there was a bit of a squabble and I over heard him say, “That’s right, leave… leave in the car that I PAID FOR!”
Yea. That would be a problem for me. She took the high road and didn’t respond – she is a bigger person than I am. I would have gotten nasty. Very nasty.
I would like to be come a SAHM in theory, but I would have a lot of growing up to do. It takes a lot of self-sacrifice to be a SAHM – more than I thought before I had kids. I know it sounds silly, but I always thought it was easy being a SAHM. Now I feel foolish even thinking that!
Gematree gave some great advice, “Good idea for all SAHMs to know – open a small bank account in your name with one of the kids or a close family member's name in joint on the account. A small amount saved each pay period, as little as $3. This can be a security net should you need it. Too often, even posted on this site, we hear/see/read of moms who are suddenly thrown into being financially responsible for themselves...and they didn't see it coming. The bonus is: it's a smart little savings plan that can reap major rewards in the long race of life.”
Has anyone been in the same situation? I would love to hear if any other worker-bee moms feel this way too...
I'm sure many others will disagree, but I'm in agreement with you. I believe it's important to be somewhat independent or at least have the ability to be. I was married and working full time, but ex was getting credit cards in my name and chargng them up. So is there a way to be happily married and not watch your back? Wish I knew. I am remarried to a wonderful man. But I will always work and will always watch my back.One of the reasons I work outside of the home (other than to maintain my sanity) is to keep my professional skills sharp. I worry more about my husband dying than leaving me (although I'm not naive). In either case, I would have to support the DDs and their fruit snack addiction. As a single gal, I established a solid credit history. To maintain that, I have a credit card in my name only. Both of our names are on all the other bills and on the titles of our vehicles, the mortgage, etc.May I recommend the book The Female Mistake? Although the author is waaaaay more cynical than you ladies, she pretty much makes the point that you can't ever be 100% secure that you will always be supported if you're a SAHM, be it due to divorce, death, or disability. But she makes another point that resonated with me. Work, for work's sake, has a value to it outside of the monetary gains. She seemed to only relate that to white collar jobs, though, because I know many a blue collar worker, making an hourly penance that would tell her to go jump in a lake. Much of what she said I totally disagreed with, but I agree that work has value and can go a long way towards a feeling of self and accomplishment. However, I also believe that feeling can be attained thru volunteer work and I don't know many moms that don't do some of that. There are certain careers, that I'll admit I'm shocked or at least very surprised, that women leave after having children. I work in healthcare and am always surprised when someone like a nurse or doctor or mid-level provider go from full-time work to no work. We had a young female doctor with 4 young kids fill in a month or so ago. She only works a few shifts a month and said it is difficult, preparing a meal, leaving directions for her husband, before walking out of the house. She also said that she had 3 or 4 classmates from medical school that are now staying home. Crazy! They earned a spot in medical school, meaning someone else did not, than trained long and hard, paid alot of money, only to give it up. Healthcare is an area where you have to keep your skills and knowlege current, but also have the availability of jobs that are part-time or PRN, and hours much different than a typical 9-5 schedule. I stayed home full-time for 5 years and am very appreciative that my husband's job allowed that luxury for me. Because it was a luxury and I know that now. That said, I feel good about contributing to our family's finances too. Whatever works and to each his/her own. I've been happy being a SAHM and happy working part-time. I'm sure my hours will increase when the kids leave home, but for now I love the flexibility of being available for school events, being home for at least half of their days off of school, etc.Let me quickly clarify by "luxury" of staying home, I don't mean because it's easy. Not at all. Much harder than my days at work. It was a luxury because we could afford it at the time. I'm sure it was somewhat of a burden for my husband to know that EVERYTHING was dependent on his earning. I'm glad he shouldered that burden w/o complaint and that I could stay home w/ the babies.EPV5 - Totally understood what you meant. I have that "luxury," too, right now. My work right now is sporadic, and it can be that way b/c of my husband. BTW - thanks for your earlier post. I agree with the work has value concept. I really do enjoy working outside of the home, despite the mommy guilt that comes with it.Epv5, I've never disagreed with you, but...calling SAH a "luxury" by any means of definition creates the idea (imho) it's an option. Many times being a MWAH (mom working at home) by means of a paycheck or no paycheck is the ONLY way for the family. Moms of children with disabilities, are often MWAH as the Jill of All Trades, doing all that the nine-to-five workers cannot. While one's "luxury" (not to belabour the term) is optional, let's recognize the MWAH. The financial burden may be on one's shoulders or it may be on both. As women, sisters-of-the-world, I deeply wish that term "luxury" would be used in other contexts. I've been a MWAH for most of my Mom/Working Mom career. I DO agree with you and appreciate your acknowledgement that it's not easy. Just asking you to please use a different word, as words as so very important. And hoping this doesn't offend you or others. Kim, thanks for the "quote", wish it had been MY idea, but a very old friend, mother of 8, 40 years ago, told me to do this when we got our checks at our job back then. She asked me if I had my own "savings", and then told me it was my personal responsibility to myself. Maybe she knew your Grandmother. :)I totally agree that it is important for a person, whether female or male, to be able to self sufficient in the event of divorce or death of a spouse. I did work when I got divorced, but I had a lot of work to do to become self sufficient. I was saddled with some pretty hefty bills on my one income and no child support. If I were to be married again, I would definetely have some provisions. I also think that everyone's definition of "luxury" is different. I really have no choice, I must work, but if I had a spouse that made enough to afford me to stay home, I would consider that a luxury. I am not saying that stay at home motherhood is not work, it is, just as being a working mother has it's challenges too. I personally love the rewards..I know what you mean, but it's definitely not a "luxury" in the sense that it's easier than working outside the home. And most people I know who have one parent at home (I know a few families where the husband stays home) are making sacrifices to do so. It's all a matter of your own situation and your own priorities. And you have one kid -- everything gets more difficult and more expensive when you have two or more kids. We could easily pay for one kid in childcare while I worked full-time in a job that paid crap. And I do mean crap. My husband's career field paid better than mine. Then we had another kid, and suddenly, we're paying $1200 a month in daycare. And that was 12 years ago. No idea what it would be now. When I factored in daycare, commuting 60 miles a day to work, wearing business clothes, buying lunch (even if only occasionally), I quickly realized I was clearing $300 a month. Together, my husband and I talked and talked and talked, and we finally decided that I could freelance from home and make at least $300 a month, which has worked. So I think every situation is different. I totally understand how you feel, and there is a trust issue.I forgot to add this because I was talking on the phone while I was typing...when I worked outside the home, I still felt like I had another full-time job when I got home. I hated that feeling, but I was proud of the work I did. I agree that you need to have some kind of money to yourself. But I also want to say, Kim, that your friend's situation isn't the norm, necessarily. I think if you ever decide to try staying home or working at home, you should go into with your eyes open. It's not a vacation -- it's harder than working outside the home because you never get a break. You're on call 24/7 and your work is always, always there. And something always needs to be done. But I think the most successful people who are SAHM or WAHM don't go into with some rosy ideal.It wasn't the "luxury" thing that got my attention. It was the implication that if a woman gets to go to medical school or law school or whatever and pursue a professional career, somehow she doesn't have a "right" to leave that and become a SAHM. She got a spot in med school, meaning someone else didn't. So? Does that mean she doesn't get to change her mind later? I don't understand this attitude at all.My family and I are set up in the event of my husbands death. I refuse to set my marriage up for failure by having my own bank account in order to be self-sufficient for the sole reason of having money so I can leave my husband.I'm not saying this sarcastically at all, moosebane, when I say it's totally fine if you don't understand my "attitude". After working around doctors and nurses for 15 years, including medical residents, I do think it would be a crying shame to set aside a career you've put so much blood,sweat, tears, time, and money into when you could continue in that field because it does allow for such flexibility. I work with a nurse who work about 20 hours a month, for instance, and an aquaintance of mine is a pediatrician at an urgent care who also works one weekend a month. It's such a disappointment to those who are wait-listed for whichever medical or nursing program they apply to. It would be especially bitter to not get in and then find out someone who did has opted out of working in that field. I stayed at home for 5 years so clearly I value the role of SAHMs and WAHMs. But I guarantee if I had worked in a field that would have required me to go back to school in order to re-enter that field, I would have looked for a way to work just enough to keep my foot in the door. And while what I wrote is JMO, it's not a minority opinion in healthcare.I'm in total agreement with Hotmomma's comment. I'm also trying to wrap my mind around the "value of work" comments. My own mother and my mother in law are two of the most hardworking, giving individuals I have ever met. My mom is almost 70 and to this day could probably "work" circles around most of you (myself included). Both were stay at home moms (my mother did return to work after her youngest was almost out of high school). I guess I'll have to ask her if she felt a sense of worth and accomplishment from the tasks that she did, but I have a hunch that wasn't her motivation anyway.I think it is very much an individual decision, but it must be a joint one (both partners). If you are in a partnership, regardless of employment you must know the cash flow situation. If x amount is coming into the household, it should be accounted. This is important with 1 income, 2 incomes, one income and a trust fund, etc.I think it's sad that some women end up in these situations but it doesn't make me think for a second that I need to have a secret fund somewhere in case my husband decides to take off. Guess I'm kind of naively trusting that way. We do have life insurance. I am a SAHM and I do all the finances, meaning, I write the checks to pay the bills, so I am not in the dark about where our money goes and how to handle it. My opinion is, is if you feel you have to have a secret fund then something isn't right in your marriage.Being self-reliant is NOT setting up a marriage for failure. Relating the two as absolutes is a stretch, imho.I would love to be a SAHM but have to say that is one of my major concerns. Right now, I wouldn't do it b/c my job pays MUCH more than my husbands, but I still have an account in only my name set off to the side. There isn't much in it but it's there just in case.Maggie, you know I love you, but why did you stop reading what I wrote after I said work has value in and of itself. Because I then went on to include volunteer work in that statement and I then said that my days as a SAHM were more difficult than my days at home. Please don't cherry pick what I said to try and change the meaning. :)Oops! Meant to say my days as a SAHM were more difficult than my days at work. I will also add that while I've never felt a need to hide money or have my own account, I don't think it's right to assume someone else's marriage is "less than" your own if they do want a separate account. My husband's closest friend up and left unexpectedly about 18 months ago. If you would have told me he had a brain tumor I'd have believed it because his behavior changed so much. He's put his now ex-wife thru the ringer, emotionally, financially, etc. They'd been married 11 years, have two great kids, owned a successful business. These things do happen and they do happen to wives - or husbands - who never saw it coming.Also, maggie, what on earth is wrong with feeling a sense of worth and accomplishment? Given that your mother and MIL successfully raised caring people who became caring parents, I sure hope they feel a sense of accomplishment!I supported my husband when we got married and he was just getting started in his law practice. At first when I was a SAHM, I had feelings similar to yours. And now I'm going back into the work force, but for different reasons. Eventually I came to realize that me staying at home strengthened him and our family, and I am grateful for the time that I had to focus on our daughter. I've told him in the past -- and he agrees with me -- that if I hadn't had the ability to be that anchor for our family, we all would be worse off than we are today. But I do not mean that all women should be SAHMs. What works for us would not work for everyone. It was just the path we chose and the path that brought us grace.I should have said "challenging" rather than "difficult" when talking about my time as a SAHM. More physically exhausting, mentally challenging, but also emotionally exhilirating. I must say, it's a bummer to me that this thread has turned into another SAH vs working mom debate when it's original author was simply talking about her own desire to feel secure and self-supportive. Everyone on here is on the path that either feels right for them or is necessary. All should feel supported. That my kum-by-yah (sp?) for the evening - now off to catch up on my Dexter episodes.But even in the volunteer work, Erin--why is it so wrong to feel a sense of accomplishment and value in meeting the needs of your own family? Why does a person have to "do" something outside of their home before society considers it worthwhile and of importance. I know there have been different comments made on here before (not by you), but others, that imply "real" work, done outside the home, teaches a work ethic to our children. As if they can't get that from a Stay at home mom.I really wasn't trying to cherry pick, either; maybe I'm oversensitive to that idea as a SAHM. And I do hope my mom and mil feel a sense of self worth and accomplishment, but my point was that they would have done what they did regardless of how it made them "feel". Sometimes I think, as a society, we focus too much on the "I" and forget that alot of what family is about is thinking about the benefits for "others". Whether it's the family where the mom who stays home or the family where the mom needs to go to work.Hmmm. Well, about the daycare thing... most women don't realize that daycare is only for 2-3 years before your kiddo goes off to preschool or kindergarten. It's easier to just make that $300 bucks a month for a few years than it is to return to the work place after 10 years. Especially in this economy, even if I'm working and paying daycare, at least I have income and am putting into my 401k. Again, most moms don't realize the cost of daycare isn't forever, don't quit that good paying job just because of a few years of daycare. Also, it might just be me, but I go absolutely stir crazy at home all day. I have the same responsibility as a SAHM, but I don't have as much time to finish that job because I'm not at the actual home as much. So my SAHM chores are done when I get home. Anyways...I'm not a stay at home mom. I agree with Maggie, family isn't as much about what benefits each individual, but what benefits the group as a whole. The comment in your blog about "leave in the car I paid for" well, so what? If it's not one thing, it's another. I know I've gotten mad before and yelled something beastly about poopy diapers magically changing themselves. It doesn't mean I actually feel like my DH gets a free ride and isn't a valuable contributor to the family. Oh, and I do agree that a nest egg is never a bad thing. I just don’t know if it has to be a ‘secret’ nest egg. Our husbands aren’t supposed to be our Nazi oppressors. They’re our partners. I personally treat DH the way I want him to treat me. Um… except for the yelling thing. I would be a bit hurt if I discovered he had a secret bank account. Finally, I don’t get the perception that the breadwinner has all of the power, which can be used for nefarious purposes, while the stay at home mom has none of it. The mom is in charge of the heart of the family. At any moment she could leave her husband, demand alimony & child support, and deny him everyday access to his children. That’s quite a bit of power right there.Hey, Tasha, just so you know -- you never get back that money you spend on daycare. So your kid goes to school -- that money will go toward before- and after-school care, my friend, unless you've got a family member willing to watch the kiddo until you get home. And if you're lucky enough to have that, good for you. But you'll never see that money again. Ditto for the money you spend on diapers. It's gone, baby. Kids are expensive. Not judging you for your decision, so don't judge others for theirs.kate, usually daycare is much more expensive than after school care. I think ours cost 10 dollars a day, or 50 dollars a week. I make more than 50 bucks a week. (not much more in this newspaper industry though.. hah.) But that big expense of when they are babies to when they go to school doesn't last forever... that's what I was trying to get at. If you quit your job because all the cost is going towards daycare then what about when you don't have to pay for daycare? I would imagine it'd be harder to re-enter the workforce because of that situation. I wasn't judging you Kate, jeeezuz... I was stating that I don't think moms realize that daycare cost doesn't last forever.I guess I should also mention that you do get back that money. When tax time comes. Also, I think it's money well spent, especially if you choose a place where your kid loved the people and learned a lot...You may get back that money spend in the form of a tax rebate, but you never get back that time you lost with your little one. I do realize that some women are unable to be a SAHM for some reason or another and that's fine...I'm not knocking mothers who work at all. I am proud, however, that I didn't take the easy route of continuing to work to "keep up my skills" instead of having to reinsert myself into the workforce after 11 or 12 years - I dig a challenge.See how people influence us,we get scared,we want to please,them,do what they say,I have learned.Igot caught up in the work or be worthless mode.Work took me away from my childrens growing up stages,I missed out on alot because I choose money over them,and wanting to give them things I never had.Now that time is gone,I can't go back,and change what could of.Now my kids are 23 and 22 years old,they tell me things I wish I could of been there.Now I've come to the conclution so what if I don't have $,I'll pray about it,God will guide me in the right direction,so what if I divorce my husband,and don't have any $,no where to go,God will provide for me too,some how some way,God was there when my kids were little too,but its alittle to late,for that,I wish I would of trusted him more then.I think it's funny that Tasha thinks she has the same responsibilities SAHM's do, but she can do in just two hours in the evening what it takes us all day to do. That's so silly.I see another silly comment, you don't get your daycare money back in your tax return. Free daycare...yeah...goofy girl.I was so not going to touch this blog, but I just wanted to offer up that I've known several ladies who were left in the lurch, suddenly forced back into the workforce after their husbands left them with nothing (not even college educations, in some cases), and after a few very lean years, they recovered just fine. Without secret bank accounts. I don't worry about this, because I know I'm a smart and determined woman, and even if the unthinkable happened, I'd be okay. It might be tough getting back into the workforce after all these years, but tough isn't the same as impossible.Well, here's the thing, as a working mom you have to know how to balance work and time with your child. If you're a workaholic and never go home I could see how you could miss out on your kid's life... but if you work and come home and spend time with them there's no time lost. hotmomma, how do you suspect I get chores done? How do you suspect I volunteer at Bo's school? (I take off work) How do you suspect I clean? How do you suspect I teach my kid? ( I do all of this when I get home gosh darn it!)I must say that I do wish my mom was around more when we were growing up. My parents own a small business and we were latch-key kids. My parents always stressed that they worked so we could go to a good schools. We went to private school all our lives and they paid for the majority of our college. Our education was their gift to use... it did come at a cost though. Good, bad or indifferent, it's a choice every parent must make for their own child.I must say that I do wish my mom was around more when we were growing up. My parents own a small business and we were latch-key kids. My parents always stressed that they worked so we could go to a good schools. We went to private school all our lives and they paid for the majority of our college. Our education was their gift to use... it did come at a cost though. Good, bad or indifferent, it's a choice every parent must make for their own child.I must say that I do wish my mom was around more when we were growing up. My parents own a small business and we were latch-key kids. My parents always stressed that they worked so we could go to a good schools. We went to private school all our lives and they paid for the majority of our college. Our education was their gift to use... it did come at a cost though. Good, bad or indifferent, it's a choice every parent must make for their own child.Don't feel foolish thinking that being a SAHM is easy. IT IS! Last June I left my job after 10 years in the car business and decided to be a SAHDad. It has been the easiest and most fun thing I have ever done. It requires about 2-3 hours of "work" a day. The rest of the time I'm playing and having fun with my 3 kids ages 8,4, and 2.
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