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  • Is Single Parenting Always This Exhausting?
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    I am one of the most fiercely independent people I know. I think I can handle it all. Hell, I think I do handle it all.

    So I didn't think anything of it earlier this week as I prepared to drive The Goddess down to Springfield for debate camp all alone. In fact, I felt so confident about it, I decided to take the boys along... drive down to Silver Dollar City for a day... and drive back. All in one day.

    Nevermind that Hubby had already been out of town for a week (which never happens) and nevermind that I was going to have to repeat the trip on Thursday to pick up The Goddess when camp ended. Heck, I'm young! I'm healthy! I'm a road trip queen! I am woman! I can do this! No problem. (roar!)

    The kids were terrific. Not a peep of complaint out of any of them. Even when the thermometer topped 99. Even when Speed Demon realized he had to ride all the rides at Silver Dollar City by himself (stupid two-to-a-car rules!). Even when we were thirsty or hungry or dripping sweat or were still driving after being up-and-at-'em for 18 hours. They were amazing kids.

    Still. It was so hard.

    There was the issue of restrooms. I couldn't go in with my boys to make sure nobody was taking advantage of them (hey, it happened in Lee's Summit WalMart; it can happen anywhere, right?). I had to "hold it" all day for fear they'd be swiped while waiting outside the ladies' room for me. 

    There was the issue of rollercoasters -- one being too small to ride and the other being big enough, but too afraid to ride alone (yes, I had tears coming at me from both sides).

    There was the issue of juggling. Juggling money and cell phone and car key and backpack and sunscreen and water bottles and two independent go-where-I-wanna-go boys. Juggling remembering where we parked with remembering how to get home and where to get gas and what time we need to leave. There was juggling passing water bottles into the backseat while trying to find a place to stop so someone could pee while also not getting lost or cutting off other drivers or wrapping the Jeep around a telephone pole.

    There was the issue of where to eat. The issue of getting the DVD player to work. The issue of blisters on feet (mine) and sunburns on faces. 

    There were times when I wanted to stop, cry for my mommy, and hope someone took pity on me or Hubby would materialize out of thin air and Just. Help. Me. Out. There were times I thought we would never make it back to Liberty. There were times when I mentally pounded my forehead with my fist, intoning, "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" for even thinking I could handle this.

    And I had this thought on more than one occasion: I know single parenting is hard... but is it always this exhausting? 

    After we came home on Monday, I decided that I would try for a more relaxed Thursday. We would just drive down, find a community center, and swim for a while before picking up The Goddess and coming home. This should be no problem. Swimming is something I do alone with the kids at least three times a week. 

    Still. Maybe it was that Monday was still fresh in my mind. Or maybe it was just heightened awareness of being out of town or maybe it was just exhaustion really starting to seep in or... whatever. But I kept having this feeling of... something truly awful could happen to these guys at any time and I'm the only one on watch. It is totally and completely up to me to keep them healthy, happy, and safe.

    The thought was almost crippling. 

    So today I have two things to say:

    One, for any of you out there who find yourself complaining that your significant other "does nothing" and "is no help," I would encourage you to try road-tripping it alone with the kids for a few days. Maybe you'll find that you were right -- you are going it alone. Or maybe you'll find that you rely on that person a heckuva lot more than you even realize you did (I already knew Hubby was my irreplaceable right arm, and I was still surprised by how much I missed his help).

    Two, I'm giving a shout-out to all the single parents out there. For stepping up to plate and hoping for a homerun even when you're too tired to lift the bat... not just on vacation, but every single day. For juggling and "holding it" and being on watch... all the time. For being there and braving the crippling it's-all-up-to-me thoughts. For those things I applaud you! You definitely deserve it!

    Now, point me to the nearest bed. Thank you. *collapses*

    Posted on: Jun 27 2009 - 06:00:00 AM
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    12 Comments - leave comment
    I completely agree with you. I experienced the same thing Friday while DH was just at work and I had to get the kids together for a 2.5 hour road trip for a funeral by myself someplace I had never been. Shopping, bathing the kids, driving down, finding food, keeping the kids quiet while there was a chore! I spent the entire time wondering what had happened to the independent person I used to be who could do it all on her own so easily, but was now having panic attacks and eating half a bag of a chocolate trying to make it thru the day. The moms/dads who go it alone every single day are truly amazing!!
    Posted By: mselys on Jun 27 2009 - 09:00:48 AM
    You're so good at nutshells Jen Brown. I was just thinking last week, that the truly hard part is when you have to stand your ground alone on parenting. Standing alone in the doorway when they come home late (I'm not there yet...but theoretically, I'm alone in the doorway everyday)...or when you have to repeat a million times that that is "not appropriate", or that the computer is off limits, or that respect is what makes the world go round, or that it's not an issue of who started it, or that we dont' have the money even though i would love to get that for you, or T means Teen, and you're seven, or that PG 13 doesn't mean PG 7 or PG 9, or that words can hurt someone, or "yes, your dad and I loved each other and made you by doing THAT"....or "I'm happy to be your mom right now, and I dont' need to go on a date, or "No, I dont' miss your dad but I love your dad because he gave me you, and I will always love him for that"...or the one from yesterday...Yes my sweetie, you're a very big boy, but you don't need to be the "man of the house" quite yet....you can be the "big boy of the house, okay?"....and then you cry yourself to sleep becuase you dont' know how to be two people, but you desperately want to figure out how, if you could only sleep for a long time, and wake up and start over. Those are tough because you have no filter, no one to lean on...no one to be the mean parent so that once, just once you can get the hug instead of the hateful look. Or you can have time to think of ways to make them happy instead of just having enough minutes in the day to keep them safe. BUT,,but, but, but.....every single second of that life revolves around the beauty of them, and the beauty it brings out in YOU, and the gratitude you feel towards the spirit world for bringing these very specific, perfect little spirits into your life, which would mean so much less, if anything at all, without them. We're exhausted, we single moms and dads, but our graces are palpable and close enough to touch every day. Who could ask for more.
    Posted By: swissmom on Jun 27 2009 - 11:29:53 AM
    Hmm, did Silver Dollar City with two boys...alone. Yes, ma'am that qualifies you as a guaranteed and certifiable "dreamer". lol And isn't that always the way we SO WANT things to be. Lots of fun, lots of smiles, all the things the commercials show us. Only commercials are all of 30 seconds long at most. And that is about how long the "dream" lasts in reality. Still, bet you had all the fun you could have and JB, you survived! Now, go get a pie from the Corner Cafe, eat it all by yourself while singing "I Will Survive" in true Donna Summer voice!
    Posted By: gematree on Jun 27 2009 - 12:23:29 PM
    NO road trips for us. Staying home is hard enough. DH just returned from an 8 month stint working in Dallas. I had no idea how much he did and how supportive he could be. Day to day wasn't to bad but extra stuff kept coming up. DS was sick in the middle of leaf raking last fall. Then my mom had a stroke in February. I had to have a guy come out to put up hand rails for her and do other stuff around the house I couldn't do. Then we bought a basketball goal for the boys and the old one had to be taken out first. What a pain Same guy came out to do that and was here 4 different days. That cost a fortune. A one point the school calls to tell me DS hurt his ankle. The doc said he broke it and we needed to make an appt with the ortho doc. After 3 days of hell it turned out he didn't break it. Thank God. All the while DS had been asking for a dog. So we took these two wonderful shelties in without DH being here to confirm the decision. Always something else. I about pulled my hair out a few times. Now DH is back from Dallas and will leave again for short periods as work comes in, but I am going to enjoy him being home while he is here.
    Posted By: fibromom on Jun 27 2009 - 01:22:27 PM
    I have to add. I truly don't know how single parents do it. And yes swissy, it is tough when you are the only one day in and day out that has to continue to communicate the rules of life to the kids. And your the one to get that look instead of a hug once in a while. I understand completely
    Posted By: fibromom on Jun 27 2009 - 01:30:08 PM
    Jen, Silver Dollar City alone would be a tough one. We could start a new business-- Hire a helper to accompany single parent to theme parks. I will have to stay married for no other reason than I'm not organized enough to be a single mom.
    Posted By: ub_ on Jun 27 2009 - 02:20:59 PM
    Swissy, I loved your response. Will you adopt me?
    Posted By: ub_ on Jun 27 2009 - 02:22:36 PM
    Yes, it can be hard and exhausting. When I first divorced, my kids were 1, 3, 5 and 7. I was almost paralyzed with fear that I couldn't do it and everything was overwhelming. It was all I could do to go to work everyday. Daily, it got a little easier. About three/four years later we went on our first family vacation, the kids and I, to St. Louis. How liberating..even when I got lost or when I was tired from the walking and sightseeing. So much satisfaction. The daily grind is probably what gets me the most though, getting the kids ready, work, dinner, scouts, church, band concerts, baseball..on and on. Being the one who always has to go to the doctor with them, or the only one to stay home with sick little ones. The daily decision making and bill paying. That is the exhausting part, but it is all worth it. They are learning independence from me.
    Posted By: mygr8crew on Jun 27 2009 - 07:19:44 PM
    What a great tribute to single moms! I don't know how you do it. What amazing women!
    Posted By: cnnplus5 on Jun 28 2009 - 09:16:55 AM
    Thanks for the shout-out to single parents. Single parenting is a difficult, relentless, and sometimes exhausting job. But, of course, the rewards and joys are well worth it. @Singlemommyhood we talk about issues that matter most to single parents.
    Posted By: dr. leah on Jun 29 2009 - 08:52:04 AM
    I've driven to Denver alone with the kids several times, and you are not kidding about how hard it is!
    Posted By: moosebane on Jun 30 2009 - 08:58:15 AM
    I'm driving to Denver alone with the boys this weekend! It has always been just me and the boys, though. I don't know what it would be like to have a spouse aroudn to help out. For me, it's not all that difficult, only where money is concerned. If I get frusterated or just need away, my parents will help out and babysit for a couple of hours. I do my best with the kids and so far, so good!!
    Posted By: erical1214 on Jul 2 2009 - 09:06:37 AM