With the new season starting up again on Monday, surely you're asking yourself all the important questions. You know, as any good bachelorette looking for love... on a TV show... would do.

How hot will my bachelors be? Will I have a super-cool hot tub in my mansion? Should I pack ten bikinis or eleven? Does the green dress make me look fat? Do I cry in the third week and then again in the fourth or should I save all my crying for one night so I don't look like a creepy unbalanced chick?

Yes, yes, those are all very important questions, to be sure. But perhaps, bachelorette, you should be asking the really important questions. You know, the ones that will actually matter in real life.

How does he chew his food? Everyone chews sexily in a tropical paradise. But don't be lulled by the champagne and calypso music, Bachelorette. Pay close attention to how the man chews. Because an annoying chewing habit can destroy a marriage, you know. At first the way he sucks his teeth during a meal is "cute." "Quirky." But after a few months that crap gets annoying and before you've reached your first anniversary you really will consider shoving your fork through his face if he'll Just. Stop. That. Disgusting. Noise. 

Oh, it's not just the chewing, of course. It could be any number of seriously annoying habits that you might overlook in the name of an amazing view of his pecks on a yacht in the Carribbean. But trust me... life is not a yacht in the Carribbean. Love is not a yacht in the Carribbean.

Love is rushing out to buy you chicken nuggets when you're pregnant and tampons when you're not.

Love is letting you have the bigger slice of his birthday cake.

Love is not asking for sex on a Monday night.

Love is getting up in the middle of the night when you're sick. It is also forgiving him when he doesn't.

Ask yourself, bachelorette, not if he puts the correct ingredients on his hot dog, but whether he has the wherewithal to get up at 3AM with a crying baby. Ask yourself... "Can I live with this person who spits peanut shells on the floor, plays video games with the neighborhood kids and names his penis after cartoon characters?" Ask yourself... "Will I still love him when his eyebrows do that old man crazy untrimmed hedge thing?" Ask yourself... "Am I willing to wash this person's underwear for the rest of my life?" And, most importantly, ask yourself... "Yeah, this guy who I'm about to marry... what is his middle name exactly?"

Good luck, bachelorette. I do hope you find that one true love that can only be found in the presence of a camera crew, in the form of a bunch of half-drunk guys piling out of a limo. I'll probably even be cheering you on and will be really, seriously miffed when you choose the guy I wouldn't have chosen. 

So get out there and get 'em, bachelorette. Just make sure you ask all the right questions, okay?