Hi guys, my mom took today off from blogging. She said something about resolving to take a few bleeping minutes to herself, then disappeared (before my bedtime!) with her new fuzzy blanket, a glass of wine and her book club book. She left her computer open to this white screen you can type words on.
My name is Bennett. I can't say much besides "Duh duh duh" yet, but I have all these thoughts I wish people could understand. Why have I been crying in frustration all this time if I can write, you ask? Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I don't really know how to reason yet.
So it's 2013 now. A new year I guess? I don't really know what that means. I think I was born in the year 2011. I do know that we had a party the other day with some gross little pizzas my mom was trying to get me to help make and some yummo chocolate snacks she let me eat, even though she said they were for puppies. I drank a lot of juice and people laughed when I took my pants off.
Anyway, I keep hearing about those things called New Year's resolutions. Mom said she isn't making any real resolutions this year. Something about avoiding the guilt about breaking them. I like breaking things! I should make some resolutions.
OK then. Here I go.
1. Figure out how to plug things in. I've been working hard on this. You know those plugs people put in the white rectangles on the wall with holes in them? Those plugs are super easy to pry off. But every time I do that, my parents freak out and put them back in. If you take them off, you can put other things in, like pretzels or the vacuum cord. AND WHO DOESN'T LOVE TO VACUUM?
2. Grow taller. That way I won't have to climb on stuff all the time, which is kind of hard work and makes bruises on my shins. I learned a few weeks ago that I can take the wooden step stool out of the bathroom and move it around the house to turn on lights. I really like doing that, but that thing is almost as big as I am and very awkward to carry, especially up the steps. I also realized I can move the kitchen chairs! Those are way higher than the step stool. You can get to the buttons on the fridge that make waterfalls, the cords on the window blinds AND the buttons on the microwave that make the beep-beep sounds! One time, I even reached Mom's cheese machine (I've also heard her call it a camera) on the counter. Score! If only I were a little taller, I would be able to do these things without climbing. Climbing takes precious seconds away from the short window I have before Mom stops me.
3. Build up my toothbrush collection. I love to brush my teeth, and I love variety. I have a happy lion toothbrush, a Dora the Explorer, a red one, blue one, red with purple spots and oh, a few more. It's cool, because people just give me toothbrushes after I find them and put them in my mouth. The ones I like best are the big ones I find in Mommy and Daddy's bathroom. It's like Christmas every day in there, because every time I stick one in my mouth, the next time I go back, there's a brand new one! They get replaced the fastest when my nose is drippy, for some reason. Toothbrushes are fun to chew on, but they're also fun to hold while you're doing other things, like opening the trash can or the toilet lid. I could wax poetic about toothbrushes all day.
4. Get Mom to take more showers so I can hang out in her room more. The other day, I figured out that if I stay quiet but sit right outside the bathroom door where she can see me, she leaves me alone longer. But the thing is, she can't really see what I'm doing. She keeps these awesome little bottles with liquid and pastey stuff under her sink. Some of them smell like flowers, and others smell like my toothpaste. That day, I finally figured out how to twist the caps off! A whole new world opened up, because all those bottles have different things inside that I like to rub on my hands, my hair, the walls, the carpet … She had three of the toothpaste ones in there, and I got all three of the lids off and stashed them in Daddy's nightstand. That way, when she took one out of my mouth, I had backup. I also had time to get out all those sticks with cotton on them that she puts in her ears after her shower. And there were these blue squares with white circles inside, but the weird thing is, when you pull on the white part, it's string that smells like heavenly, God-sent TOOTHPASTE! I kept pulling and pulling, then draping it around my neck like those necklaces she wears, but I never found the end before Mom took it away. There's always tomorrow, I guess. If she showers.
5. Tease my mom more. She really likes this thing called KU. And my dad really likes this thing called K-State. My uncle really likes K-State, too, and likes to tell me KU-PU. I like how much attention and tickling I get from Mom when I say it, too. I really just say, "PU-PU," but that's cuter, so I win.
6. Eat more candy. Ever since Halloween, I've gotten into this stuff. I usually just want to eat candy, instead of the lame-o sandwiches and vegetables Mom gives me for lunch. I know where they keep it -- in my Jack-O-Lantern bucket in the locked kitchen cabinet. My arms are skinny, though, and sometimes, I can reach through the little space in the door and grab a candy cane or a shiny green piece with chocolate inside. If people like our neighbors and Santa keep giving it to me, why would my parents keep it from me? That's just cruel. At least I brush my teeth.
I could go on about how I want to learn to talk, jump, use the potty and drive, but everybody knows I'm supposed to do that stuff soon, so I'll spare you. Duh-duh duh duh, everyone! Or as you talkers might say, Happy New Year!