I’m usually not at a loss for words.

But I couldn’t find the right words for an old college friend who called to tell me that as of March 21 he and his wife of nearly 30 years were divorced.

It made me so very sad for him. He hadn’t wanted the divorce and when I asked what happened, he really didn’t seem to know. And what I found to be sadder still, was that he said more than once in our more than an hour long conversation , he still loves her.

I have to admit, listening to him talk about their marriage, his role and hers - from his perspective - I didn’t understand either why they were divorced. There were passionate arguments, he said. But nothing that sounded out of the ordinary for a couple together so many years. I even asked if there was an affair on his part or hers and he said no. I didn’t understand. I guess maybe people can grow apart. But I would think if that were going to happen it wouldn’t take 30 years.

They have two beautiful, and I mean beautiful , like model beautiful, girls. The girls are about the same age as my boys. One 21 or nearly 21 the other 16. One will live with dad the other with the wife. A family just split down the middle. I can’t imagine how hard that is.

I could here pain and anger in his voice and I wanted to say something really profound that would answer all his questions and ease the pain he was so obviously feeling. But the words wouldn’t come. So mostly I just listened.

He’s not the first of my friends to call with that news. Recently I’ve heard from several of my friends that they and their spouse are either getting or recently divorced. Maybe I’m at that my friends are getting a divorce age. I just don’t know what happens. I was married for 21 years. We had our ups and downs but we never mentioned divorce to one another. I don’t know, my husband died and was taken away from me and my boys, something I had no control over. So I guess it makes me a little angry when I see people just giving up, just up and walking away from their spouse, their marriage, their family. Just tossing it all away. I’m not naïve, though, I know that some times a separation, a divorce is the healthy thing to do. But I swear, I just seems like its so easy to just quit when the going gets tough or when you just get tired of the routine, when you thing there is something else out there that will make you happier.

Listening to him talk it was almost like someone has died. I wanted to tell them it will be alright, that he would get over it , he’ll go on maybe find someone else to love. That if they couldn’t live peaceably together that they are better off being apart. But none of those things really seemed to be enough. And beside you never hear both sides of the story so you never really hear what actually drove the wedge between them.

I only knew his wife through him. She and I had met only once when the two of them visited me right after my oldest was born. She had a newborn too. It was kind of fun that our firsts were just months apart. I liked her and they seemed perfect for each other then. She and I talked on the phone a few times after that. And recently communicated briefly on facebook.

I want to believe that he was a great and dutiful husband and father and from where I sit on the his side or her side of the story, he was. He is the one telling me what’s going on and I’m his friend so it looks to me like he was just great. Maybe he was a real jerk. I don’t know we never really know.

I do know that he wasn’t violent or a drug addict or an alcoholic or lazy or absent or a womanizer, all things I think are obvious grounds for divorce. But something went wrong somewhere.

I worried so much about my boys when their dad died. I still worry about what affect it has had on them. I hope that it’s made them stronger. I hope Its made them realize that life is short and how important it is to be the best you can be now and every day, because tomorrow isn’t promised.

I suspect his girls will be OK since they still have the both of them. It’s different.

Finally, after listening for a while, I just told him that maybe his wife wanting the divorce was more about her than it was about what he had or had not done. Maybe, I said to him, you will never know why until she figures it out and is about to talk civil to you about what she was feeling. That doesn’t mean you will get back together. But maybe it will help both of you find peace.

Divorce is really tough., sometimes, maybe even tougher than death. When one spouse dies, you know, intellectually that it wasn’t anything you did it was truly beyond your control. But with divorce, I suspect if there is no clear-cut reason, you are just left asking yourself, why, what did I do wrong?

I’ll be thinking about him and hoping he finds strength somewhere. I did tell him he could call any time he wants to talk. I may not have any answers but I’ll always listen.