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Lindsay Metcalf
on Jun 19 2013 - 06:00 AM
My top five most important moments of the summer so far
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mara williams
on Jun 18 2013 - 06:00 AM
Hey, manchild, mama says: clean your room, wash the dishes, don't drink and drive.
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Emily Parnell
on Jun 16 2013 - 06:00 AM
Eating fresh, local produce is good for body and soul
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Jim Cosgrove
on Jun 13 2013 - 06:00 AM
I just want to buy some pants. Please, turn down the music.
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"Are we going to school?" my little Lotte asks me every morning. She's three years old next week, so she's still young enough to love school.
"Yep," I tell her every morning. Or, at least Monday through Friday.
"Is Daddy at work?" she asks, as if she didn't already know.
"Yep, Dad's at work," I remind her.
Every morning, we pass by Marc's room. On the weeks he's home, he's either in his room in the mornings, or we can hear him watching Naruto or something similar downstairs. On the weeks Marc is at his dad's, she's more confused.
"Where is Marc?" she says. I hear it ever Monday and Tuesday mornings. "Where is Marc?" Every other Wednesday through Friday. "Where is Marc?" I tell her, he's with his daddy. You'd think she'd remember! I mean, please. She remembers every word to Yellow Submarine, you'd think she'd remember where Marc is half the time.
"He's with his dad, remember?" I realized this morning that something had to change. She couldn't go on like this. I had to stop the madness! How could I explain this to her a little bit better? Clearly, she didn't understand our family dynamics as well as I thought she did.
To make matters worse, she always asks where Marc is with a certain sadness to her voice. It has been clear from the beginning that Marc is Lotte's favorite person by far.
I looked around the house for a way to demonstrate what had been happening with Marc and everyone else over the past eight or so years. We're a writin' family, so I ran around the house gathering various pens and pencils. I had heard a story a bunch of years ago about how my ex-husband's nephew had his odd dynamics explained to him by his mom with French fries. Well, I didn't have French fries, but I had plenty of writing utensils. They kind of look like people, right?
I took two of the pencils and told her they were Steve and I, and that we used to be married and live in the same house. Then we had a baby, and in came the next pencil. It was gold, by the way, as it represented our Marc after all. Then I showed her how Steve and I decided to live in different houses, and how Marc lived with his daddy sometimes and his mommy sometimes. Then I introduced the Mitch pencil, and how we got married and had a baby Charlotte. Then came Mindy, Marc's stepmom, and his new little brother. Marc's pencil still went to his daddy's sometimes and his mommy's sometimes. We miss him terribly when he's gone, but it's okay. We still have fun here together, and we'll see him again soon.
It sounded confusing when I listened to myself. Was this confusing? She's only two, after all. Well, three next week. Did she get it? Did it make her sad? I mean, I don't like it any more than she does, but a boy needs his dad and a boy needs his mom. Sometimes Dad and Mom live in different places.
Maybe I should've used French fries.
But Lotte sat for the whole demonstration, and listened. It was time for her to go to school, though, and for me to go to work. I set the stash of pencil people on the table and we left. I was sure she'd forget about it. I was sure I'd pick her up from school and she'd ask where Marc was, all sad, and I'd have to explain it all again.
When I picked her up from school, we ran into Marc. Mindy and his baby brother, Matthew, were there. We all chatted and laughed as we walked through the parking lot, then they went their way and Lotte and I went ours.
"Marc is going to his daddy's," she said as I strapped her into her seat. "And he has two houses," she added, proud, with two fingers in the air. "And he will be back at my house later."
Oh yeah, the house we live in is Lotte's house, by the way. Not Mine. Not ours. Hers. Don't forget it.
Then, when we got home, she saw the pile of pencils on the table. She ordered me, as a highly ranking preschooler, to give the pencil people demonstration again. She sat and listened.
Huh. She was listening!
I guess I won't really know if she gets it until tomorrow morning when we walk by Marc's room and he isn't there. But she didn't seem quite so sad after my little pencil play. I might have to do it again. She might make me!
Do you have a unique family dynamic? Do your kids ask you questions about it? How do you explain it? I kind of like my pencil thing. Or the French fry thing. I guess there's more than one way to explain big issues to small children. We'll see if this one works!
That's great that she remembered, and funny that she wanted you to explain it again! I wonder if you could have something almost like an Advent calendar, in that idea, I mean, where there's a little felt Marc and little felt houses pockets, and he moves from pocket to pocket depending on where he's really at? I don't know if I'm explaining it very clearly, but maybe it's hung somewhere where she can see it, so she's sees where he's at on a partcular day.We are good here. One mom, one dad, one kid, then there is grandma that lives with us. I always wonder how split families manage. I don't even want to think about how confused kids can be when all grandparents are alive and live close by. One idea for Charlotte might be to make magnet people somehow, put the on the fridge and move Marc each day he goes to his dads. It will be awesome if she get it with pencil people.
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