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mara williams
on May 21 2013 - 06:00 AM
Summer break has this mom on a house upkeep war path.
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At some point in all of our lives, we've been to the grocery store and we've seen the four year old girl with the binky in her mouth. Maybe you looked at that girl and felt sorry for her that her parents let her have it at such an old age. Maybe you gave those parents a gross look, or maybe you didn't because even though you were judging them, you didn't want them to know you were judging them. Or maybe you looked at that four year old girl with the binky and didn't think a thing of it, because you were toting your own five year old son around the same store with a similar binky. And maybe, just maybe, another parent looked at your son and tried to suppress the judgmental stare they so desperately wanted to give you.
Welcome to the politics of parenting.
I didn't realize what an issue this would be until I became a parent myself. I had pretty much thought, pre-child of course, that I knew exactly what kind of parent I would be, and exactly the best way to raise children. I was wrong, obviously, as we all are when we make the passage from childless women to mothers.
When Marc was one month old, I had him out Christmas shopping with me, and his little bare foot was dangling out from under the blanket I had wrapped him in. I'm not sure what happened to his sock. It was on him when I strapped him into his car seat. Maybe one of Santa's elves took it. I don't know. I didn't notice it was gone until I heard:
"You need to get that baby a coat and some socks. It's too cold for a baby to be outside! I'm not kidding you. He's gonna get frostbite." What a kind old shopkeeper he was to let me know I was messing up at this parenting gig already after only one month. Yes, very kind indeed!
And it didn't stop there. Oh, no. There were comments when I gave up breastfeeding. There were comments when I tried to use cloth diapers. There were comments when I switched to disposables. There were even comments when I chose Montessori school.
"Isn't that the school where they just let them do whatever they want?" No, actually.
I wasn't surprised when Charlotte was born when there was more of the same. It's not as though other parents are malicious, of course. It's not that at all. I just think that when people find what works for them, they believe in it so strongly that they can't imagine anyone doing anything any other way.
I do it, too. I'm not proud, but I am a human being after all.
Last week, I posted something innocent on Facebook about having to interrupt Charlotte's nap. It was no big deal. I said I had plans that afternoon, but I never said that my plans involved making sure my other child was taken care of. As is prone to naturally happen anytime you talk about your kids in public, someone responded with comments on how important naps are, and how parents should put their child's napping needs ahead of their own personal plans, etc.
This someone is a someone that I've been friends with longer than anyone else. We talked, we set things straight, and I'm not mad. But I can't help but think about how important the parenting politics are to other parents. We become so emotional when we talk about binkies, or diapers, or breastfeeding. Is cosleeping safe, or should it be avoided at all costs? Do you vaccinate or not? Did you circumcise your child, or leave him intact? What kind of chemicals are in that food your giving them?
Me? I cloth diaper my daughter, she still uses a binky, she goes to Montessori school, and I often let her go out in the cold with no coat. My son goes to school in Missouri, I only make him shower every other day instead of every day, his jeans have holes in them, and I almost never yell at, and definitely never spank, my children. Also, neither of them have ever seen the inside of a church. Oh, and I let my daughter watch TV. Marc plays video games for hours on end. And he picks his nose. And we cuss in front of them.
Do you have a problem with any of that? Because I can bet that if I did things the opposite of how I do them now, someone would have a problem with that, too.
And that's the politics of parenting. Personally, I'd rather take a more "you do what you do, I'll do what I do" approach. I am trying to be a better person and not pass judgement on other moms, even though human nature gets in my way. Like I said, I don't think anyone is having these thoughts with any sort of malice. We're all just looking out for each other. Even if it's misguided sometimes!
I am always amazed when moms talk about any negative comments they received regarding their parenting and/or decisions. In my 17 years of being a mother, I haven't heard one, not one.Thank you! I too let my 10 year old watch movies (only with us) that he shouldn't, play video games and watch tv - only after homework is done - holes in jeans - etc! And I'm a good Mom!!Frizzed, you've never had one comment made regarding any of your parenting decisions, not even from your mother-in-law? I've had numerous things hurled my way, from a dirty look given to me for having my daughter wearing a backpack harness/leash gizmo at the San Diego Zoo, when she totally did not want to be in the stroller and wouldn't hold hands, to even my own husband questioning bedtime. Val, you are right, you can't judge someone else until you've been in their shoes.What a refreshing change of pace from the 'normal' blogs here. I actually checked in today for the first time in months, and loved this. I think we'd get along quite well! Definitely with you on the "you do what you do, I'll do what I'll do" front. And I was a parenting education facilitator for nine years.Right on, Val. I've received and given the dirty looks. We're all making our own mistakes (and judgements) and charting our own successes -- just like our parents did, and their parents... Thanks!Yep, I have been on the receiving end of people's comments or suggetions, unsolicited advice, whatever you want to call it. I try to smile and say thanks. I am guilty, of having the thoughts, but blessed with enough shyness that I would probably never say something to someone. Besides, we learn from experience.Nope, not one. The sun rises and sets on my boys from both my parents and my in-laws. I have probably been talked about behind my back but never in front of it.Great blog. I think some people just like to but in and tell other people what they think. My sister is like that with me. She loves to give unsolicited advice about everything. I also think so people think these things and they slip out of their mouths without meaning any harm. I myself am more that way. However I would never make comments to someone in a store or in public that I didn't know.
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