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Christi Diggs
on May 23 2013 - 06:00 AM
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Parent-teacher conferences are fun. For me. They were fun for me when I used to be the teacher part of parent-teacher, because I loved all the kids and loved talking about them. They are fun for me as the parent part of parent-teacher, too. Marc has always had good ones. Praises are always about his wonderful math scores, high reading level, and fantastic behavior. Concerns are always lazy spelling, nearly incomprehensible handwriting, and his difficulty focusing. We work on these concerns, but they always need improvement.
This time, however, when his teacher asked us if we had any concerns, I didn't hesitate. I learned something earlier today that happened to my son this week. Now, Marc doesn't always tell us what's going on in his life right away. Sometimes he sort of... forgets. Then, he randomly spews them at us at illogical times. The other day he randomly told his dad that a couple of girls were picking on him.
Marc uses the pharse "oh my god" a lot. We use that phrase at our home, and I think his dad does, too. I've heard other kids use it at school. I don't really think it's derogatory, or at least I'd never thought of it like that. Apparently he said it at school, and a couple of girls told him not to.
"You can't say 'oh my god' because it's not nice to God," one of the girls told him, as reported to me by Marc's dad. Marc propmtly told them he didn't believe in God. "You don't believe in God!?" No. Our family doesn't believe in God.
So, of course, kids did as kids do, and they made fun of him. He must be weird. He must be stupid. There must be something wrong with him. Let's make fun of him.
Except, that's not what kids do. Or, at least, it's not what kids should do.
I saw the same type of thing at Marc's school Fall party. A boy dressed as a ninja told us he was a "Barbie Ninja", because he likes Barbie but is also a ninja. Another boy teased him and called him a girl. He told him girls like Barbie, and girls dress as Barbie, so this boy must really be a girl.
This boy wants to be a girl, so he must be weird. He must be stupid. There must be something wrong with him. Let's make fun of him.
Okay, now I understand that most people believe in God and that most people teach their children to believe in God, too. I also understand that most parents teach their boys to dress like boys, be like boys, and not to deviate from their boyness. I don't pretend that this isn't the norm. Even when I was a child, and when my parents were children, kids picked on kids for being different.
I knew before he was born that Marc was going to be different and that he might be teased in school for his beliefs. We've always taught Marc that he should choose his own path in life, not ours or anyone elses, and respect other people's choice to do the same. He was surprised and hurt when two girls didn't respect his.
But this isn't about religion or boys dressing as girls. This is about children being so saturated in the beliefs that they've been taught that they see different kids as weak. They see a wrong that should be righted, or they see a chance to prove to everyone that they are superior. This, mamas, is the face of bullying. This is where it begins.
I read an article recently suggesting that instead of teaching our kids not to bully, we should teach them to be peaceful. Teach the positive, not the negative. I don't know what kind of homes these kids come from, but until I know for sure I can only assume they come from loving homes where their parents would be appalled at their behavior. Unfortunately, the conversation we have with our kids is often that some children are going to be different from you, so don't pick on them.
The conversation we should be having is that some children are going to be who they are and that's okay. We eliminate the idea of difference, and we focus on the do's instead of the don'ts.
I think it's natural to tease. I really do. Everyone wants to feel like they know something more or are better at something than someone else. I'm not an expert, but I think that every kid hits, every kid bites, and every kid picks. At least once, they do these things. I also firmly believe that if we as parents, educators, aunts, uncles, and neighbors remind these kids that it's okay to be the kind of person that you are, these kids will be okay with the kind of people other kids are as well.
Will this stop the token atheist kid from being picked on? Will boys be allowed to dress as Barbie ninjas? I don't know. I really don't know. I like to think so. I also think that if it wasn't religion or gender, it'd be something else. I speak from painful personal experience that kids will find anything, any part of you that's different in anyway right down to the way you wear your socks, and pick on you for it. It's nearly inescabable.
So, this is what I talked to Marc's teacher about. I become concerned when I learn about bullying, but I become even more concerned when the bullying has to do with race, gender, social status, or religion. To me, these are strong symptoms of an underlying issue.
In the meantime, Marc is getting good grades in school, but his handwriting stinks and he needs to pay attention. He also handled his bit of being picked on really well. He told the girls he's allowed to think what he wants, and when they didn't let up he told the teacher. He didn't become emotional as he's prone to do, but was a cool cucumber instead.
Has your kid been picked on or even bullied for being different? How did they handle it? How did you handle it? I don't have any answers, and there's no easy answer for ending this kind of thing. I'm glad it was peacefully resolved this time. I could see how it could have taken an ugly turn.
I understand your point about bullying or picking on someone who is different, but perhaps you might teach Marc that saying "Oh, my God" is disrespectful to the God I believe in and, therefore, disrespectful to me and others who believe in Him. That is known as taking the name of the Lord in vain, and there are those of us who do not appreciate it. Otherwise, I agree with you about this 100%. Bullying is wrong and kids picking on other kids is unacceptable.Ditto what moose said. 100% Swearing is rude. period. However, I stand behind any Barbie ninja's out there!Let me clarify: I talked with Marc about his saying "oh my god" at school. I explained that there are enough people in the world who are offended by this phrase that he should be careful not use it at school or other similar places. We don't want to offend anyone. But he wasn't picked on because he swore or even that he offended anybody. He was picked on because he doesn't believe in God.I do appreciate you asking him to be more sensitive in public. However, please don't get the idea that he's the only one who is picked on for his beliefs (or lack thereof). We Christians get it all over the place!Also, I'm curious: Why would you even say "Oh, my god" if you don't believe in one? That doesn't make any sense and does nothing to tell me you are sensitive to anyone's beliefs.Moose, and everyone else, this isn't about religion, and I won't defend my use of swear words (I cuss like a sailor!). This is about kids finding something different about another kid and making them feel inferior for it. It just so happened that, in this instance, it was about my kid's beliefs. I clearly didn't get my point across the first time, so I hope this clears it up.I think we need to keep in mind, that while the behavior of the girls was wrong, it isn't necessarily condoned by the parents. Kids are stupid, self-serving and insensitive. I can teach my kids right and wrong, but when they're out on their own, I don't know what they do or say. I would like to proclaim that my children have never done anything like that to another child, but the fact is, I really don't know.Good point, hotmomma. Val actually confirms this when she says she taught Marc not to say "Oh my god" at school and he did it anyway. Those girls were simply reacting the way I probably did as a child upon meeting someone who claimed not to believe in God. Not saying what they did was right because it wasn't, but their parents are probably not teaching their daughters to pick on atheists. My son was bullied by a kid in early grade school. No particular reason--just a mean kid with a chip on his shoulder.I'm sorry, but how is "oh my god" offensive?!I could understand if his tone could've been insulting, but it doesn't sound that way. "Oh my god," is the SAME as, "Oh my gosh." they are just words, the way you say them is what makes it offensive. I know Marc personally, and I know he didn't say it offensively. I think he handled the situation extremily maturily, fact is NOBODY should be picked on nor bullied for any reason! We can talk to our children about it everyday, and it will still go on when they're on the playground or in class, or anywhere. Be proud of how Marc handled this Val, it just goes to show that YOU teach him how to behave and act when your not around! He is the most sensitive, caring, unique, little boy I've ever known, and that's because of you! Parents need to stress to thier children that all of us our differant and to know that some people believe in other things, but that's ok. Educate children on all the differant beliefs, religions, ect. parents need to GUIDE thier children and even respect thier children if they believe in something else, not control who or what they believe in. The more knowledge children have about religion, it won't seem so "odd" or differant- to pick on,or make fun of.Val, I get what you are trying to say, Teaching kids not to bully isn't the same as teaching them to except others differences. I will have to say but the time mine reached about 13 he became very aware of how he dresses and he wants to dress as much like other boys as he can instead on picking something different. He even told me a few months ago that he doesn't want his grandmother to hem his jeans anymore because one of his friends said something last year. So now all his new jeans are to long. For all the teaching not to bully, kids stick pick at each other. It really hasn't changed.When my kids were made fun of I used it as a teaching moment so they knew that they were never to make fun of others, because they knew how it made them feel.Carebear, I respectfully disagree that "oh my god" is the same as "Oh my gosh." Do you know of a higher power referred to as "gosh"? I don't. But the God I worship clearly states that using His Name as an oath is a sin, whatever that Name may be (God, Yahweh, Jesus/Christ/any variables or combinations thereof, etc.). You don't have to agree with me, of course, but please don't put God's Name on the same level as an innocuous word like "gosh." And yes, I get that originally "gosh" was a euphemistic alteration of "God," but seriously, it's NOT the same and please don't insult us by trying to say it is. I'm sure Marc is a wonderful child, Val. :)Personally I see two sides to bullying. Insensitivity (walking in someone else's shoes) and being sensitive. The girls were being insensitive. Marc demonstrated sensi-bility by not being insensitve in return. When the girls would not stop, Marc again demonstrated good sense in talking to the teacher. Yea Marc! Yea Mom(Val)!From my past: The Evangelist (Christian) gave a good sermon on My God vs. Your God. Each interprets "god" from our personal view, as each of us can only do.I'm an atheist, too, Valorie, and I've come to the conclusion that it's absolutely vital for those of us in the atheist/freethinking/humanism community to come together for mutual support. You might want to check out some of the many atheist/skeptic Meetup groups in the KC area, as well as the Kansas City Atheist Coalition (I'm a member and will soon join the board of directors). Also, you'll definitely want to consider Camp Quest, which is a secular summer camp for kids. As of now, there are no Camp Quests in Kansas or Missouri, but I know some people who are working to change that. It can be lonely for those of us who are members of the most hated (though rapidly growing) world-view minority in America. If you'd like more information and/or just plain support, PM me here, on Google+ or on Facebook. And keep up the good work of raising kids who look at the world through the lens of reason.Valorie, thank you for sharing your son's experience. I happen to be a Christian--who also thinks--but I am teaching my children that God makes a variety of people. Therefore, they are never allowed to pick on others just because they are different than they are. Being one of the tallest girls through school made me often painfully aware of how people treat those who are different. So I've never been a bully. I usually ended the bully's efforts. God gave us free will to choose how we want to live and die--no one has the right to treat someone harshly because of those choices. If your son is picked on again by children claiming to know Christ, I'd love to give you a number of Bible verses those children need to learn that teach us how to treat others. Just a thought! Please have a blessed day!
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