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"I don't really like being a stay at home mom," I said at the library's story time with extreme honesty.
The other two women I was with, both stay at home mothers, looked at me in horror. You'd have thought I had a giant cancerous mole on my face and no one wanted to be the one to point it out.
"Well," one of the girls said, finally. "I mean, I guess, we all have to do what we think is best for our families."
Okay, look. I'm not a monster. I love, LOVE my children. All I've ever wanted to do was stay home with them. When Marc was born, I had no choice but to return to the workforce as quickly as possible. Our financial situation demanded it. After my divorce, I couldn't leave the workforce because I was on my own with the bills. But I made it work.
I've had friends who stayed home with their kids rather than shoving off to some job. They loved it, they've told me, and wouldn't trade it for any other job in the world. One of my friends seemed so organized. She was truly the household manager, and I was so envious. I would be more organized, I thought, if I had the time. I would be a better housekeeper if I had the time, too.
Oh, and kid shows! I love them. I could watch more kid shows if I had the time.
I was wrong. I have the time now, and I am neither organized nor a good housekeeper. And as for kid shows, well, let's just say that sometimes you can fall out of love.
I would not be more organized if I had all the time in the world because I'm just not an organized person. I mean, I am, to certain point. But when it comes to implementing the organization, I fail. Take a look at the empty can of Sprite on the bookshelf, just above the broken Bionicle. Yeah, well, I'm tired, so I just stick stuff where there's a spot. Sue me.
I would not be a better housekeeper if I had all the time in the world because I really, really hate housework. I really hate it. I do it because it needs to be done, not because I'm particularly good at it or enjoy it in anyway. I guess I just have other things I'd rather do, like write stories or play with Legos. I do like to vacuum, though. I enjoy doing laundry. Don't you dare ask me to dust, though. Boring! There is currently an empty box of cereal sitting on my counter. Don't worry. I'll get to it eventually. It's not like it's gross or anything.
Oh, and kid shows! I used to love them. At this point, however, I have a very low tolerance for giant purple dinosaurs. And what is up with World World? Are we supposed to learn to read with that show or something?
Let's not forget the fact that I am a very social creature. I am so, so very lonely. All of my friends work or are busy. Playgroups are not enough, and there aren't enough playgroups anyway. I don't have time to have outside interests with other adults, either. When I worked, I always had adult interaction. Right now I have my husband. I love my husband, don't get me wrong. But c'mon. I do have my part time job, but I pretty much just teach for a couple of hours and go home. I am so lonesome for some grown-up words that I've taking to posting like a maniac on Facebook just to prove that I exist.
Have any of you SAHM's ever heard this line?: "You're home all day, why can't you (clean, organize, dust, go through your many boxes of items that have yet to be unpacked from when you moved in last year, fix that hole in the bathroom wall)?"
Um, yeah. Because I have children, that's why. I'll get to it when I get to it.
For me, it's mostly the loneliness. Loneliness is something I've always struggled with in my life. Plus, I'm a mom whether I work outside the home or not. I don't feel like I'm more of a mom because I'm home with my kids now. I liked working, and I liked having a job. I've worked ever since I was fifteen years old. I knew beforehand that being home with them was going to be a hard transition, and I knew it was going to be a really hard job. I just didn't know that I wasn't going to like it.
Lots of mothers are stay at home moms and they are really good at it. They like it. No no, they love it, and they can't imagine themselves doing anything else. I, however, am not good at it.
But hating staying home doesn't mean I hate my kids. I love my kids desperately! It just means I hate housework, house management, lack of adults, lack of support, and Barney. I'm not sure what's wrong with that.
I am who I am. I'm also unabashedly honest with myself, out loud, in public. I say things like "I don't like being a stay at home mom."
And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I love my children and wouldn't change being a mother for anything in the world. It's funny that other people would raise their eyebrows at the notion that someone might not like it. There is no "you do what you do and I'll do what I do" mentality sometimes. This is where the SAHM vs. WOHM wars begin, with an inability to accept that other people may have different strengths and weaknesses and live different lives. We all love our kids.
In the meantime I'll wash the dishes, change the diapers, and go to the playgroups. I may as well. Eventually, I'll have a job again because Charlotte won't be a baby forever. I will appreciate the time I get to spend with her while I can. And when she's headed off for school and I go my own way off to work, I'll be grateful not to have to watch Barney!
I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to work, to be around other adults, etc. If working outside the home meant I loved my kids any less, well, they would certainly be in trouble. I think people have to do what they need to do to be happy, to rectifiy whatever circumstance they are in, whether it be working outside, staying at home, working at home. There are so many options, people are so unique and I kind of liken it to buying a pair of shoes...sometimes you have to keep trying until you find that great fitting, comfy pair.I don't think I could do it either. I get bored too easily, and I probably hate housework more than you do! (I am Cleaning Impaired.) No need to feel guilty about not wanting to be at home all the time.Thanks, moosebane and mygr8crew! I don't feel guilty, though. Not necessarily. I just am weary of folks, like the moms at the library, suggesting that I should enjoy staying home with my kids and never say anything negative about motherhood. Um, excuse me library mom ladies, but motherhood is hard! It's okay to complain about it, and I still love my kids.I'm envious of your part-time job! :) I think I would really enjoy being a SAHM if it wasn't what I was doing 24/7. I mean, I love cheesecake, but if it was all I was ever given for the rest of my life, I'm pretty sure I'd grow to despise it. I don't want to despise my life at home, and I think a part time job would be just the ticket to keep it from getting to that point. Good blog, Val. Oh, and I kindof like Word World, though Barney has NEVER been allowed in our home! :)I so get where you are coming from. I used to work part-time opposite shifts until our household just got to big for me to swing it. I still suck at housework. I'd rather color, go to Wonderscope or the pool, the library, or the zoo. It's outdoor season. (It's always outdoor season. Sledding, playgrounds or pool.) I wanna be outside. But *for me*, staying home got better as kids got older...because the social thing improves. Sports, PTA, dance, and other activities have given me more "adult" exposure. It still is lonely sometimes, but I'm also a book-a-holic. Hang in there.I am a SAHM and honestly it's a love/hate relationship. I love the freedom but hate the one income! See I was active duty military for 11 years so I know all too well the stress of working and keeping up with a family. I yearned to get out and be able to focus on the kids and the house. Now that I have that job, I am like most SAHM, would not trade it for the world!! However living with 6 of us on one income is...well miserable! For me the misery is worth it because I know what kind of a crazy monster I would be if I was working full time and keeping up with a house and 4 kids. Let me tell you, my family depends on me to cook and clean. Yes, I have spoiled them and I wouldn't have it any other way. My kids do have chores and I have taught them to do their own laundry, so they are not totally spoiled :). Like you, my youngest will be starting school in a few years and when she does, I will return to work. Until them I will relish in my freedom at home with my babies!I bet a lot of moms feel the way you do. In some ways it is harder be a SAHM. Everyone expects you to do everything. And if you don't have playgroups or a sports something or another to go to us SAHM don't have many other female friends that have time or want to just hang out. Believe me I get the loneliness for adult company.Thank you!!!!! This is exactly where I am at right now. I feel bad for not being cut out to be a SAHM. I have extreme anxiety about leaving my kids somewhere and that is all that is standing between me and getting a job. I don't ever get an evening away, I have no friends anymore, I feel like I don't exist outside of being a housewife/mom and it's really depressing to me!I worked and worked JUST to pay daycare. But I kept a close eye on the day care providers, that was a job in it self. Now that my kids are teens, I AM GRATEFUL that I can stay home, this is the time they need the most supervision! I want to be here when they come home from school with their friends. But that's always not the case with working moms. Kudo's to all moms who really need to work, Been there myself.I think that any time we compare ourselves to what we THINK others lives are like--we are dooming ourselves to disappointment. The SAHM job is only defined by the woman herself, if that makes any sense. There is no pay raise, or appraisal or set of criteria that must be met in each and every home. Actually, in my experience houses with SAHMs are usually messier than those of WOHMs. So what? I also think that finding ways to make whatever situation you find yourself in enjoyable and worthwhile is a strong character trait. The way to be the best SAHM or WOHM or WOMAN that you can is to be true to yourself-- titles and stereotypical behavior be damned. :) ( And by my third, we never watched Barney..it made my ears bleed!)
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