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I was in a chat room recently. I know, that’s so 2001. Get over it.
The room is supposed to be for chronic pain support, but as it often happens, the topic veered off course. This time, it was to the topic of children of divorced parents. As the child of divorced parents, and as a divorced parent myself, how could I not chime in?
As it turns out, there aren’t a lot of warm feelings toward the idea of divorcing your spouse when you have children with them. I’ve realized that throughout the last several years, I’ve met with many, many people who have had many, many questions about how I can possibly be a good parent and also be divorced. The reigning theme in these conversations always seems to come back down to family values.
This week’s post is based on several conversations I’ve had with friends, family members, and nice folk at coffee shops and other places over the last eight years. Hopefully some curious lurker or Google-searcher will find this post and have their questions answered before they even have to ask.
Q: How often do you let your son’s dad see him?
A: I don’t let him see him. That’s his dad and he has a right to “see” him. Marc lives at my house for one week, then at his dad’s for one week. This way, he gets to have two parents.
Q: Isn’t that disruptive for him, to have to bounce around from place to place?
A: He’s not bouncing around from place to place. He lives in, has a bedroom in, and has a secure home in both places.
Q: Don’t you think he needs stability?
A: Yes, I do, and that is why his dad and I remain in as much amicable contact as possible so we can both teach him the values that we both think are important. It’s called “co-parenting”.
Q: Well if you get along with your ex husband so well, why didn’t you just stay married to him?
A: Just because you get along with someone doesn’t mean you can be married to them. Marriage is one of the most complex relationships two people can have. Remaining friendly with someone doesn’t have the same set of challenges. I won’t tell you the exact reasons why we got divorced, because that’s none of your business.
Q: Does your new husband fill the “Dad” role at your house, then? A boy needs a father.
A: The boy has a father. His step dad is not his dad; he’s his step dad. Just because it’s my week to have Marc doesn’t mean his dad has stopped being his dad anymore than I stop being his mom when he’s at his dad’s house.
Q: I have a friend whose kids are on the same sort of schedule, and those kids are messed up because of it.
A: I’m sure they’re not messed up because of the schedule, if they are even messed up at all. I’m not that friend; I’m me. Every situation is different and you can’t judge what works for one person just because it doesn’t work for other people.
Q: Don’t you think you’re teaching your kid that divorce is okay?
A: Yes.
Q: What about your wedding vows?
A: I took those vows at a different time in my life. Things don’t always work out the way you predict. I’m teaching my children that it’s okay to leave a situation that is miserable for everyone. We do what works, and if it stops working we do something else.
Q: How do you stand not seeing your child for a week? If it were me, it would drive me insane!
A: It’s hard, yes. I miss him terribly! I often wish Marc were just with me all the time. But it’s not about me. How many children of divorced parents have just one parent because the either the mom or the dad decided to take a less involved role, or just disappear altogether? I miss him terribly, yes, but it’s worth it because he has two parents who love him madly.
Q: I don’t agree with your values.
A: No one asked you to.
It’s not like I get hounded regularly, but every few months this discussion pops up and it’s always the same or similar set of questions. Somewhere along the line we decided that you could only teach family values in one particular way. We have decided that divorce is bad for children, and that remaining in a miserable marriage is the best thing you can do for them. Why?
I don’t blame people for being concerned, and I’d be sad if they weren’t. Sometimes I think I get asked these things out of sheer curiosity, which I totally understand as well.
I also don’t really mind the third degree. But some divorced moms don’t like it, in which case, use this FAQ wisely!
I have been divorced for close to ten years. For the most part, before my divorce, two people really thought I shouldn't do it, both which deep religious convictions. I often wish that I my ex and I had an amicable relationship, but we don't and I don't foresee it happening, but you never know. I also always wish that he had an active role in the kids' lives, but he is just too sick and I know I can't change that. I am happy for you that you have made it work. You sound like a wonderful mama to me!Great post! I've never been through a divorce, but I can imagine that it's certainly not a decision that anyone makes lightly. People always talk about "staying together for the sake of the kids," but no one seems to want to acknowledge that there's also such a thing as "going our separate ways for the sake of the kids." My guess is that most people who are critical are basing their opinions on a religion-oriented world view. As is so often the case, religion is used to divide and to cast aspersions, rather than to uplift and inspire. Pretty sad.I love this. Kudos for addressing this. I have not been divorced, but this line of questioning has been used on me about our decision to home school, and our decision to travel extensively with children. People love to stick their noses in places they don't belong -- under the guise of curiosity, but it usually ends up they're trying to push an agenda. Thanks for your direct and gentle approach in answering them.Being divorced myself I was always glad I neer had kids in that marriage. It can never be easy for them. Sounds like you have things worked out so that it is best for Marc. Maybe not you since you miss him when your gone and maybe not you ex, but what is best for your son. Most couldn't do it that way. I always like you directness when it comes to your take on things. This is just another example of how well you put it.
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